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A Stress Relief Strategy That Feels Completely Wrong
When life feels uncertain, every instinct tells you to fight it, fix it, or figure it out. But research shows that the one thing that actually lowers your cortisol and quiets your anxiety is the last thing you'd think to try.
Photo by Hanneke Laaning
There’s no doubt: We are living through uncertain times, and it’s hard. Our brains perceive ambiguity as a threat and try to protect us by diminishing our ability to focus on anything other than creating a sense of certainty.
Research shows that job uncertainty, for example, tends to take a more significant toll on our health than actually losing our job. Similarly, research participants who were told they had a 50% chance of receiving a painful electric shock felt more anxious and agitated than those who believed they were definitely going to receive it.
Entire industries are devoted to filling in the blanks of our futures: astrology apps, fundamentalist religions, management consultants. But in this era of uncertainty, instead of resisting the reality of constant change, my best advice is to practice accepting it.
We humans tend to resist what we don’t like. But as Carl Jung reportedly stated, “What you resist, persists;” resisting the current reality doesn’t help us learn, grow, or feel better when things are hard. Conversely, resistance actually prolongs our suffering by amplifying the challenging emotions we are feeling.
Acceptance, on the other hand, frees us to move forward rather than remaining paralyzed by uncertainty, fear, or argument.
Research demonstrates that acceptance is more effective for managing stress than the ways we usually demonstrate our resistance (denial, for example, or by trying to control things). Research shows that people taught to practice acceptance reported consistently lower levels of burnout and reduced stress. In another study, stressed adults received brief mindfulness training via a smartphone app, with half receiving an additional practice element: acceptance. Both groups benefited, but only those practicing acceptance showed reduced cortisol levels, lower blood pressure, and more positive emotions.
Think about what a paradox this is: When we welcome what we typically see as negative emotions, we feel more positive emotions!
So how do we practice acceptance?
My favorite coaching tool and acceptance training is the practice of self-compassion. Research by Kristin Neff and her colleagues names self-compassion as a counterintuitive secret to happiness, and BetterUp Labs found that self-compassion is the single best predictor of a person’s ability to manage stress. People high in self-compassion show 26% lower stress, 33% more resilience, and 24% lower burnout. Self-compassion also plays a crucial role in productivity, job satisfaction, and life satisfaction.
Even though self-compassion might seem like a soft concept, it is a very big deal when it comes to coping with stress, uncertainty, and constant change. My favorite acceptance and self-compassion practice has three parts:
- First, hold the person, situation, or behavior that is bothering you in your mind. Speaking kindly to yourself—as you would a dear friend—repeat to yourself with three long deep inhales and exhales: “I allow this circumstance to be as it is right now.”
- Second, take a moment to identify and label the emotions you feel around the troublesome situation. When thinking about what is bothering you or stressing you out, simply notice all the feelings that are coming up for you and label them. Again speaking kindly to yourself—as you would a dear friend—say to yourself three times, with three inhales and exhales: “I allow my feelings to be as they are right now. You can also be specific. For example, “I allow my irritation (or anger, or whatever you are feeling) to be as it is right now.”
- Finally, recognize that your experiences and feelings are what make you human. This final step in the practice is about accepting that we can’t avoid pain, change, struggle, uncertainty, or imperfection in this life. We don’t have to like them, but these things—and the feelings that come with them—are a part of the deal. So, still breathing deeply and speaking very kindly to yourself, acknowledge that this difficulty you are facing is a part of a common human experience: “Many people feel this way in these types of situations.”
Self-compassion is about being on this human journey. It’s about picking ourselves up when we fall, letting ourselves feel hard things like embarrassment, grief, and frustration—and about continuing forward despite our deep human flaws and failings.
Practicing acceptance in the face of difficulty is hard, and it’s also the most effective way to move forward. It doesn’t mean that you won’t feel frustrated anymore, or disappointed, or saddened by the state of things. A big part of this is accepting how we feel about the difficult circumstances (and difficult people) in our lives. But allowing our challenges and our feelings to be as they are right now allows us to soften.
And this softening can open the door to peace and wisdom.
