7 Ways to Help Someone Do a Hard Thing

People forgot to tell us growing up how hard it is to actually help each other follow through on our best intentions.

Maybe someone you know is trying to better themselves; maybe they want to get to bed earlier, learn a new language, run a 10K, or write the book that’s been inside them forever. And you want to help! Which is great, because social support is one of the few things that reliably improves our odds of sustaining a hard change.

But without meaning to, we often hinder our people’s motivation to keep going. Let me back up a sec and explain that all human motivation depends on three basic psychological needs:

1. Competence, which is our confidence that we can actually do the thing. Confidence fades quickly when we don’t see our progress and grows when someone reflects it back to us.

    

2. Autonomy, or our sense that the change is our own choice. Humans resist behaviors we feel forced or shamed into, even subtly. “I have to, or something bad will happen” motivates us far less than “I want to,” even when the bad thing is real, like a cancer that could come back. This is counterintuitive, but well established.

    

3. Relatedness, which is whether we feel connected, cared for, and supported in our efforts. When we feel accompanied, hard things feel easier.

If even one of these three core psychological needs is thwarted, our person’s motivation will tank, and, odds are, they will quit. So what does a good accountability partner actually do? Not much of what we usually mean by “accountability.” Here are seven ways to actually provide effective social support.

1. Support their autonomy

Treat your person as fully capable of making their own choices and solving their own problems. Your job is not to get them to do the thing. Your job is to help them build a vision of success, so they stay focused on what they want rather than what they don’t. Ask:

 

What does success look like?
How are you hoping to feel?
What will you need to do to get there?
When might you need to ask for help?
What’s the plan for today?

2. Encourage their competence

Tell them, out loud, that you believe they can do this. Then back it up with evidence: ask about, and point to, times they’ve successfully done something similar. Confidence built on a real track record is sturdier than a pep talk.

Their own track record isn’t the only evidence that counts. Seeing someone like us succeed is also associated with greater confidence. So if you’ve been through something similar, tell them how it went for you. If your person is trying to get more movement in, but she’s travelling a lot and not finding time, telling her that last week was chaos for you, too, and the only walk you got in was ten minutes around the parking lot at work, gives her an example of how someone like her can get it done.

3. Ask what kind of support they want

Offer to be their partner in this thing—but don’t assume you know what that should look like. Ask them. What would help? What would feel good? What would feel terrible?

My daughter Macie once asked me not to remind her to exercise, but instead to remind her how good she feels when she does. That is not the support I would have offered on my own, but it’s the only kind she wanted. The point isn’t to get them to do the thing; it’s to show them they aren’t alone in it.

4. Check in daily, but don’t police

This is where the traditional accountability partner goes wrong. Pestering with “Didja do it?” and reminding with “Don’t forget, you said you would…” feel like surveillance.

A good check-in is a “How did it go today?” moment. The goal is self-awareness, not compliance. It’s hard to sustain a change if we aren’t aware of what’s influencing our behavior, and a partner who prompts reflection with “what” and “how” questions helps enormously: “How are you feeling about that?” “What do you want to do tomorrow?”

In addition, you might want to avoid “why” questions. Unless you’re being asked by a therapist, a question like “Why do you think you were on your phone so late?” can come across as criticism and prompt them to defend themselves. The more we defend a choice, the more committed we become to it. So asking “why” about something that went badly can quietly strengthen their resolve in the wrong direction.

Instead, invite reflection with low pressure with something like, “Say more about what led up to that.” Or ask about the decision rather than the action: “How did you decide to skip a day?”

Daily check-ins also do something a little sneaky: they produce a mild Hawthorne effect, the tendency to behave a bit better when we know we’re being observed. Really, though, you’re helping them observe themselves.

5. Offer compassion when they stumble

They will stumble. The danger isn’t the stumble; it’s that they’ll quit so that they never have to feel that badly again. Your job is to be a soft place to land and a safe place to be honest.

Ask how they feel, and validate it: “People all over the world feel exactly what you’re feeling right now in these situations.” Remind them that the important thing is that they’re in the arena, playing their own game. They don’t need to be perfect. Perfect isn’t an available option.

6. Don’t offer solutions

Do not, for the love of God, start problem-solving for your person. Even when you really, really think your ideas would help. Even when you’re pretty sure you know the answer. Don’t tell them what they should do (in other words, don’t “should” on them). Don’t rob them of the satisfaction of solving their own problem.

I know. This is so hard, especially when the change requires knowledge you happen to have. Say your person wants to become a vegetarian and you know everything about macronutrients and meal planning. Before you share a single recipe, ask: Do you want me to teach you what I know? Send you what’s helped me?

If the answer is no, let it go. Unsolicited expertise thwarts autonomy and competence at once. Your intentions are good, but the help isn’t.

Sharing your own experience is different. A story about what worked for you leaves them free to decide what to do with it in a way that a prescription doesn’t.

7. Cheerlead your heart out

When they share a win, however small, respond enthusiastically. Happy couples do this reliably: they actively celebrate each other’s good news. Being warm but low-key doesn’t count. Your response has to be active. Silent support is far less effective than “I’m really happy for you!”

And celebrate their effort, not just results. On days when nothing measurable happened, notice what they did do: “You went out even though it was pouring. That counts.” Reinforcing effort boosts both confidence and follow-through.

Enthusiasm helps the person feel even better about the win and lifts their mood. It also builds closeness and trust between you and your person. That’s not nothing. Even if you aren’t sure they’ll sustain the change, your support is meaningful: you’re helping someone you love feel good and strengthening your relationship in the process.