How to Deal with Discomfort

When the going gets rough, our human instincts tell us to resist or avoid what makes us uncomfortable. We do this in predictable ways: We’ll Forgo it, telling ourselves it’s just this one time if it’s a healthy behavior we really intended to do. Or we’ll Fight the discomfort, try to Fix it, or Figure it out (aka, attempt to control it). And sometimes we just give up entirely: F*ck it, we think.

Perfectly natural tendencies, the 5 Fs are tactics of resistance. You might think resistance is called for when we are suffering or when we really don’t like something. But as Carl Jung reportedly wrote, “What you resist, persists.” Meaning: the 5 Fs aren’t effective ways to deal with your discomfort. In the short term, they may provide relief, but in the long run, they usually amount to self-sabotage.

Resisting our current reality doesn’t help us learn, grow, or feel better when things are hard. Conversely, resistance actually prolongs our suffering by amplifying the difficult emotions we feel. And, ironically, resistance (and its close cousin avoidance) keep us stuck in the past.

Acceptance, on the other hand, frees us up to move forward rather than remaining paralyzed by uncertainty, fear, or argument.

Research demonstrates that acceptance is more effective for managing stress than the ways we usually demonstrate our resistance, like denial, or trying to control things. People taught to practice acceptance report consistently lower levels of burnout and reduced stress. In one study, stressed adults received brief mindfulness training via a smartphone app, with half receiving acceptance as an additional practice element. Only the group practicing acceptance showed reduced cortisol and lower blood pressure in response to stress, and in a companion pair of trials, acceptance training was also what, ironically, produced more positive emotions.

Think about what a paradox this is: when we welcome what we typically see as negative emotions, we feel more positive emotions!

So how do we practice acceptance?

My favorite coaching tool and acceptance practice is self-compassion. Research by Kristin Neff and her colleagues names self-compassion as a counterintuitive secret to happiness. Across a meta-analysis of nearly 30,000 people, higher self-compassion was associated with better sleep, better eating, and more exercise. And when researchers induced it experimentally, self-compassion increased people’s motivation to improve after a setback, contrary to what most of us expect.

Even though self-compassion might seem like a soft concept, it is a very big deal when it comes to coping with stress, uncertainty, and change. My favorite acceptance and self-compassion practice has three parts.

1. Breathing slowly and deeply, hold the person, situation, or behavior that is bothering you in your mind. Speaking kindly to yourself, as you would to a dear friend, repeat to yourself with three long, deep exhales:

   “I allow this circumstance to be as it is right now.”

2. Second, take a moment to identify and label the emotions you feel around the troublesome situation. When thinking about what is bothering you or stressing you out, simply notice all the feelings that are coming up and label them. Again speaking kindly to yourself, say three times, with three long deep exhales:

   “I allow my feelings to be as they are right now.”

   You can also name the specific emotions that are coming up for you: “I allow my anger and sadness to be as they are right now.”

3. Finally, recognize that your experiences and feelings are what make you human. This final step is about accepting that we can’t avoid pain, change, struggle, uncertainty, or imperfection in this life. We don’t have to like these things, but they, and the feelings that come with them, are part of the deal. So, still breathing deeply and speaking very kindly to yourself, acknowledge that this difficulty is part of a common human experience:

   “Many people feel this way in these types of situations.”

Self-compassion is about being on this human journey. It’s about picking ourselves up when we fall, letting ourselves feel hard things like embarrassment, and grief and frustration, and continuing forward despite our deep human flaws and failings.

Practicing acceptance in the face of difficulty is hard, and it’s also the most effective way to move forward. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel frustrated, disappointed, or saddened by the state of things. A big part of this is accepting how we feel about the difficult circumstances, and the difficult people, in our lives. But allowing our challenges and feelings to be as they are right now lets us soften.

And this softening can open the door to peace and wisdom.