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This Week’s Practice
Categorize your relationship problems
Take some time to think about the conflicts that have recently arisen in your relationship. What do you fight about?
(1) Which of these conflicts are solvable, one-time issues? These are fights that may come out-of-the-blue and are unlikely to occur again. Often the only solution needed for these types of problems are an apology.
(2) Which are cyclical? What fights does it feel like you are having again and again — that result from basic differences in your personalities and personal preferences? Can you accept these problems? When you talk about this problem or conflict, do you make some headway — does the problem get better for a little while, and then come back?
(3) Which of your conflicts are wounding? These are important to identify, so that you can keep them from further eroding your relationship. Wounding problems are cyclical conflicts in that they are based on personality differences and they tend to be recurring — but you haven’t yet established a constructive dialogue around them. These are the fights that are characterized by defensiveness, global criticism, stonewalling, and contempt.
(4) Do you have any deal-breakers in your relationship? What are your deal-breakers? For me, they are things like abuse, infidelity, or not feeling loved.
Join the Discussion
All couples are different. What do you fight about? What type of problem is this? Give us an example of a recent fight, and your diagnosis.
Suggested Reading This Week
Should You Stay or Should You Go?
Weekly Thought
Never let a problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved.”–Barbara Johnson
Okay, I am sorry to be blogging behind schedule here, but I have been thinking a lot about the four types of conflicts. It has somewhat stalled me out to realize that my relationship may well have all four types. We started counseling about two and a half years ago (coincidentally right as we started a huge remodeling project) and at that time I perceived us to have solvable and cyclical problems. However, my husband evidently had a different perception and did a major withdrawl from the relationship (we also have a now 13 year old daughter) and things became very disfunctional.
One of our cyclical problems is that I am a verbal person and like to work things out with words, and he is much more internal and only likes to say things if he has really considered it. It seems to me that that is something we could come to an understanding on, if there was also love and understanding.
I am taking this class as much to understand where I am at, as to “fix” it at this point. I am just not sure that our relationship is viable, because I do not feel like I am particularly valued or cared about, especially as one of his main self-protective reactions is to withdraw. He now interacts a great deal with our daughter, as he saw the damage he did by removing himself emotionally several years ago, but I feel that I am basically living with a disinterested but very civil roommate (who I have a lot of history and complicated financial entanglements with).
When we first started this process I would have said that he was my family and that of course I loved and respected him, and of course we would work on things and they would be better, Now, I am not so sure, but there also seem like there are great consequences for calling it quits. I feel like I am in an awful state of suspended animation. I think he is a good person, but he does not now seem like someone that I know very well.
All that seems very hard. I suggest you pick a period of time (while you are doing the class?) to suspend judgement about whether or not the relationship is viable, and you just work on yourself and understanding “what is” with the relationship right now. Remember that relationships are tremendously dynamic; they do change, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Right now you can determine what is a deal breaker for you, and work on not triggering your husband’s stonewalling. While you can’t control him, you can learn to be very intentional in your own reactions and interactions with him.
In the end, perhaps you will decide to leave, but at least you’ll know you really gave it your all.
All that seems very hard. I suggest you pick a period of time (while you are doing the class?) to suspend judgement about whether or not the relationship is viable, and you just work on yourself and understanding “what is” with the relationship right now. Remember that relationships are tremendously dynamic; they do change, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Right now you can determine what is a deal breaker for you, and work on not triggering your husband’s stonewalling. While you can’t control him, you can learn to be very intentional in your own reactions and interactions with him.
In the end, perhaps you will decide to leave, but at least you’ll know you really gave it your all.
Thanks a lot for the post.Really thank you! Will read on…