Welcome to the first week of Raising Happiness Homestudy! I’m so excited to have you in class! Please don’t forget to use the comment section to post your observations and questions.
Happy people learn that happiness, like sweat, is a by-product of activity.” –Frank Pittman III
Want Happy Kids? You Go First.
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Listen now: [audio:https://www.raisinghappiness.com/audio/5600_DR%20CARTER_RH_WEEK1_02_1-2.mp3]
The mere search for higher happiness, not merely its actual attainment, is a prize beyond all human wealth or honor or physical pleasure.” –Cicero
This video begins Theme One: “How and Why to put your own happiness first.” It is a shorter class; if you are just starting today, please also watch the introductory videos.
Here is what I want you to get out of the video this week: We need to prioritize happiness in our lives, and our children’s lives, over all other things.
Please understand that I’m not meaning to say that we need to prioritize pleasure, or gratification, or that we need to prioritize happiness over basic needs like food and shelter (the absence of which makes happiness much more difficult). Rather, we need to prioritize positive emotions and resiliency. This class will help you build the skills you need to foster both positive emotions (like compassion) and resiliency in your family.
In this week’s class I talk about how Aristotle viewed happiness as the “chief” or “highest” good. I like the way that Darrin McMahon explains this in his dense but interesting book Happiness: A History:
What, then, is the highest good of the craft of life, the good for which all others are simply means, the end that is complete in and of itself? In Aristotle’s view, this final end is happiness…It is our natural telos—the end we ought to reach if we live well—and our highest attainment to be won by cultivating the faculty that sets us apart from all other creatures and acting accordingly…Happiness, Aristotle concludes, is an “activity of the soul expressing virtue.”
I am so glad that you are joining me on this exciting journey towards greater happiness.
This week’s practice
In addition to setting up your first meeting with your Happiness Buddy or Raising Happiness Discussion Group, I’d like you to set aside a few minutes for reflection. Please take time to answer the following questions in your journal or in the comment section below:
- Look at how you spend your time. What “roads to happiness” are you already on? What beliefs, activities, and habits do you have that routinely bring greater happiness and meaning into your life? Don’t forget to consider activities that deepen your connection to others, including your children.
- Look at what you want for your children, and correspondingly, how you have shaped how they spend their time. What activities do they do, and to what end? Which of their activities—include family routines and such—do you think will ultimately bring them the greatest happiness?
The goal here is to reflect on what you are already doing well.
I am having difficulty following your theme of this first week. You seem to digress and I have to listen more than one time to your video to get the message.
Dear Mary,
I’m sorry that you had trouble following the class this week — I agree that this first class is most abstract. Two suggestions that I hope will help:
1. Focus on doing the practice – this is your homework (or “lifework”). This week, the idea is to reflect on what is already going well in your life, what already makes you happy. Research supports the idea that looking for “bright spots” is a very effective way to change. Post your response to this week’s practice in the comment section on the website. Making things public this way will also increase the effectiveness of the exercise.
2. Read this post for more clarity about why happiness is an advantage.
Warm regards,
Christine
Here’s your homework folks! After you spend some time in reflection, please POST A COMMENT HERE: What beliefs, activities, and habits routinely bring greater happiness and meaning into your life? What about into your children’s lives?
Horses make me happy. When I am with horses or even just thinking about them, I feel happy and calm. I feel this way about dogs and other animals, too, but especially about my horse. I also love my friends and extended family but it’s a challenge to find time together with our busy lives.
For my daughter, friends are a major source of happiness. She loves feeling connected to people of various ages. Dogs and horses also bring her joy. I am so fortunate that we share this passion and it’s something we do together.
Wonderful!
I’ve been thinking about the belief in compassion lately. Compassion
can be tough sometimes. Usually it is most needed during conflict. And, my
brain can get stuck and ruminate on conflict and its solution. But, the true
solution may not be a problem solved but more a long compassionate moment, with
real empathy for the other person. Then let that empathy drive the solution
towards a better destination. In the heat of the conflict, that’s difficult, though.
I couldn’t agree with you more! Both that it takes practice to be compassionate in conflict, and also that empathy is often the solution.
Exactly, Colleen, and I think this is especially true when we are having conflicts with our children. Empathy and compassion are far more effective than struggle and punishment in reaching solutions.
I have long believed that a parent’s life doesn’t need
to be child-centered, that it’s acceptable and advisable to pursue additional
interests (and the child will indirectly benefit, too) — though I’ve not always managed to remain guilt-free about this belief (!). Finding the right balance between family-time,
time with spouse, and time for self is often difficult, but the returns are
always much greater than the amount of effort invested.
I especially enjoy “family time” when we
set aside time together after dinner to play a game or do something else that’s
fun (like coloring), the focus being on enjoying each other’s company. I also really, really enjoy reading with my
son.
Nurturing of close friendships has always
been a top priority, but I have recently discovered that I am spending less time
doing that than I used to (and do not quite understand why). On the other hand, I have been spending more
time taking Pilates and yoga classes as well as exploring different art forms
through workshops and classes at a nearby arts complex. I always feel energized and really happy
after leaving an art class!
And, although it is a constant challenge
(mentally and physically!), I actually like de-cluttering – partly because it
makes me happy to finally be able to let go of certain attachments,
but also because it makes my husband really happy when I get rid of old stuff
to free up space. J
However, the activity that brings me the
most joy by far is mindfulness / meditation practice. I’m learning how to quiet — or just observe — some of the inner
storms, to find the paths to calmness that I desperately need in moments of
anger and stress, and to acknowledge the major role that my own thought
processes play in generating feelings of suffering and in cultivating my own
happiness. Though I find it somewhat challenging, I’m currently working to make mindfulness into a daily practice. Little by little, it’s
helping me to become a happier person, and a better, more compassionate parent.
As for my child, he is only just beginning
to discover his interests and make them known to us, but right now the
activities that seem to make him happy in the moment are riding his bike with
his neighborhood friends, having books read to him, playing fun physical games
(like chase) with his father, learning about historical figures and times, and
storytelling.
I am so happy to be taking this class
because I expect to learn so much from it!
I think the “buddy” component is brilliant, and I look forward to
learning a lot from my discussions with her, too.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful reflection! Regarding your first point: sometimes it is easier than we think: just a *little* time for ourselves, or with our spouse, can often return a disproportionate amount of family happiness.
I’m glad to have you in class!
The concept itself is an easy one for me to grasp — it makes sense to me — and I don’t have too much trouble taking a little time for myself. The thing I sometimes struggle with is the feeling that I want more than a “little” time… When it feels like *too much* time, when it feels that my needs are in conflict with what I think my family needs from me. When that happens, I have to remind myself to rejoin my family even though I’d rather not just yet… And then, of course, I feel guilty for feeling that way — or for following through and not rejoining them right away. How do you find a way back to happiness when such conflict arises?
This is something that we’ll be working on in this class. There is no such thing as a perfect balance; it is all a process of give and take. Just recognizing that taking care of your needs is actually a way of taking care of their needs is an important first step, though. In other words, there may be less conflict there than you think when you take a broad perspective.
(my sincerest apology for the atrocious spacing in my previous post — i had no idea it would look like that!)
Well, it’s taken some time to actually sit down and be able to post. Right now the thing that is bringing a huge amount of happiness and relief is getting some support for my son in school. The other practice that is really working is no TV, Monday through Thursday, and sit down family dinners. Time permitting, when homework is truly finished, we actually have time to play cards or other games. It’s been a little difficult for my husband because he really loves his “veg” time when he gets home, but after 3 weeks of no one else joining him he has started to appreciate the practice. The other practices that bring me happiness are routinely going to a yoga class (which I have been missing lately). Because of all the driving I do, I have also started listening to Pema Chodron in the car. I find the more I surround myself with positive forces, the better chance I have actually achieving some of my goals. I realize how far I’ve slipped from taking care of myself and am really looking forward to a weekly practice and check in time.
Thank you for taking the time to post; you are right on time. Amazing how TV can actually cut into happiness, right? There is some interesting research about this that we’ll talk about in the Spring. Glad to have you in class!
I often get caught in my perception of when I think “happiness” is a destination. I must admit at times I think it is when things run like clockwork in my home and I make it through the day without conflict. The reality is what really “makes” me experience happiness are the small moments between the “have to do” activities where I take the time to listen or observe my 3 year old and I see how amazing he is and how much love I have for him. The quote “Happiness is a direction not a place” resonates with me in so many ways!! It gives me the chance to course correct throughout the day. Stopping to smell the roses and just taking in a moment can make all the difference for me in any given day to appreciate the journey.
Ahh…this is a good insight. Now, the trick is to make “taking time to listen,” etc. routine parts of your day…
Welcome to the new Foundations 1 Class! I’m so excited to start with you. If you have questions, please post them right here in the comment section (rather than sending me an email). That way, everyone can “hear” the answer.
I was struck during this lesson by the memory of another quotation which I heard many years ago when I was studying yoga intensely but it has stuck with me. “Happiness is your birthright. Live it now” -Yogi Bahjan. Claiming one’s happiness as a right seems both totally sensible and totally bold all at once. And what I appreciate about this is that rather than imagining one’s life leading to happiness, we are being asked to grasp hold of it and to engage with the activities that nurture it from the day we are born. I was also enlightened by the concept that our accumulative happy emotions can broaden and expand our overall level of happiness. This reminds me as a parent of how children learn through the process of repetition and how we have a choice in so many moments as adults to repeat a happy emotional pattern versus a negative or stressful one as we learn the route to being happier. I appreciate the chance to reflect on what “shapes” our time as a family and which activities bring us happiness since it automatically makes it easier to prioritize such activities over others.
I’m so glad that you are getting something out of the homework (or, as Oprah would call it, “life work.”) This was an interesting comment to me: “This reminds me as a parent of how children learn through the process of repetition and how we have a choice in so many moments as adults to repeat a happy emotional pattern versus a negative or stressful one as we learn the route to being happier.”
Two things: First, children also learn through play, which is generally joyful. Second, repetition becomes habit. We can create habits that reduce stress and produce positive emotions like engagement, gratitude, or confidence.
My family just moved to a new place a few weeks ago, which has been exciting but I recognize that it is also an act of courage, for my husband and I as parents and for my kids who we are asking to restart their life somewhere else, with a new school, a new house, new friends, etc. I don’t think I’ve honored that courage in a way that reflects and sustains my own personal resiliency and that of my husband and kids as we all move through this process of growth together. We absolutely love where we live now, and the potential for happiness here compared to our old town is exponentially higher. So.that’s awesome! But moving is definitely challenging, especially with young children and even when we’re all really excited to be here. I look forward in class to learning ways to soak up all the happiness that is waiting for me here. I own 2 businesses in addition to all of my family responsibilities. It’s easy to get so caught up in work and in helping my kids through this transition that I worry I’ll burn out or not take time to fully enjoy the resources and reasons that we came here for as hey apply to me. It’s important to celebrate our accomplishment and for me to take care of my own happiness too in addition to helping my kids. The weight of my work and this move is leaving too few hours in the day just for me.
Thank you for sharing your experience! Yes, moving is definitely an act of courage. I’m so glad that you are in the class, and that you are on such a magnificent journey. My best advice right now is for you to get a lot of rest while you establish your new routines. Sleep makes a huge difference during challenging times of change — and it does sound like you have a lot on your plate right now!
Also, I’m sorry that I’m just seeing this comment now, and that I didn’t reply sooner! There is some problem with the commenting system that I’ll work out now that I know it exists! C
I don’t know how to go about starting a discussion group??
The first place I’d start is the Facebook group — I know there is someone posting there that would like to be in a group. (One other person can be even better, too start). Other ideas are here:https://www.raisinghappiness.com/classes/frequently-asked-questions-faqs/. Let us know if you need more support!
I am just starting this course, and I’m enjoying it so far. I guess I struggle with the idea of happiness being the chief good… I do want my children to be happy, but I think maybe more than that (and I’m not entirely sure about this… I’m still figuring it out), I want my children to find meaning in their lives, which I think can often involve struggling (which I see as different from suffering). I also see compassion and empathy as really important, but those can be painful emotional experiences at times as well. You mentioned resilience in the video, and I do think that’s incredibly important, but is it the same as happiness? It’s a lot to think about, and I’m grateful for the opportunity.
Welcome! For me, it is all in how you define happiness…what do you include in your definition?
I am just starting this course, and I’m enjoying it so far. I guess I struggle with the idea of happiness being the chief good… I do want my children to be happy, but I think maybe more than that (and I’m not entirely sure about this… I’m still figuring it out), I want my children to find meaning in their lives, which I think can often involve struggling (which I see as different from suffering). I also see compassion and empathy as really important, but those can be painful emotional experiences at times as well. You mentioned resilience in the video, and I do think that’s incredibly important, but is it the same as happiness? It’s a lot to think about, and I’m grateful for the opportunity.
Welcome! For me, it is all in how you define happiness…what do you include in your definition?
One of my beliefs is that habits matter and so over life I have accumulated a sense (some through reading at GGSC!) that when I feel off kilter, it is often a sign I need to return to the habits of regular exercise, sufficient sleep, expressing gratitude in a regular way, taking time in nature, taking time to breath, connecting with friends and family. When I keep these habits strong I do feel happier.
Another belief of mine that I am still figuring out – that I find is not fully agreed upon by most – is that we have everything we need to be happy right now. That external logistical changes won’t change our happiness. Now I guess this isn’t fully true. And I say it from a position of being very very lucky with healthy kids, good husband, pleasant house, community and school. Enough security to dream. Nevertheless, I hear many, many times from people with similar blessings a sense that bigger house, more time, different commute, thinner body are all going to be the answer. They might help but it’s fleeting. So when I too start to covet something I remember that I have everything I need right this minute to be happy. Often I don’t covet things, but some change….. if I had a little more time then I’d really be organized and that would make it better, or gosh if my husband could help with more in the morning then I’d really be able to do this project better etc etc. But one just doesn’t want to be complacent either… sometimes seeing potential to change and improve is good. Rambling here,,, but these are the things I am thinking about as I sort through the role of happiness for myself and family.
I am now seeing these comments are all over a year old. Perhaps I should be on Facebook? Another happiness habit is keeping OFF facebook! But perhaps I should reconsider to get the correct value from course.
Oh, how I wish more people realized how important regular sleep, exercise, and gratitude is for our moods (and over-all life satisfaction)! We so easily give these things up, usually in pursuit of work or other achievements, in our culture.
I also COMPLETELY AGREE that almost always—maybe always—we have what we need to be happy, in that all that we need for happiness is exists inside of us. This does not mean that our external circumstances don’t influence our happiness, or that we can be happy in any situation, though. It’s a complex conversation – are you in the January coaching group?
Stay off Facebook if it is a happiness habit for you. I get that. This is why we provide discussion in both the classroom. Facebook is much easier for a lot of people, and it is one discussion thread, vs. specific to the class. The discussion will pick up again here as people start taking the class again…
Another thing about the comments: make sure you have them sorted by “newest”. I’m guessing you have them sorted by “oldest”. 🙂
One of my beliefs is that habits matter and so over life I have accumulated a sense (some through reading at GGSC!) that when I feel off kilter, it is often a sign I need to return to the habits of regular exercise, sufficient sleep, expressing gratitude in a regular way, taking time in nature, taking time to breath, connecting with friends and family. When I keep these habits strong I do feel happier.
Another belief of mine that I am still figuring out – that I find is not fully agreed upon by most – is that we have everything we need to be happy right now. That external logistical changes won’t change our happiness. Now I guess this isn’t fully true. And I say it from a position of being very very lucky with healthy kids, good husband, pleasant house, community and school. Enough security to dream. Nevertheless, I hear many, many times from people with similar blessings a sense that bigger house, more time, different commute, thinner body are all going to be the answer. They might help but it’s fleeting. So when I too start to covet something I remember that I have everything I need right this minute to be happy. Often I don’t covet things, but some change….. if I had a little more time then I’d really be organized and that would make it better, or gosh if my husband could help with more in the morning then I’d really be able to do this project better etc etc. But one just doesn’t want to be complacent either… sometimes seeing potential to change and improve is good. Rambling here,,, but these are the things I am thinking about as I sort through the role of happiness for myself and family.
I am now seeing these comments are all over a year old. Perhaps I should be on Facebook? Another happiness habit is keeping OFF facebook! But perhaps I should reconsider to get the correct value from course.
Oh, how I wish more people realized how important regular sleep, exercise, and gratitude is for our moods (and over-all life satisfaction)! We so easily give these things up, usually in pursuit of work or other achievements, in our culture.
I also COMPLETELY AGREE that almost always—maybe always—we have what we need to be happy, in that all that we need for happiness is exists inside of us. This does not mean that our external circumstances don’t influence our happiness, or that we can be happy in any situation, though. It’s a complex conversation – are you in the January coaching group?
Stay off Facebook if it is a happiness habit for you. I get that. This is why we provide discussion in both the classroom. Facebook is much easier for a lot of people, and it is one discussion thread, vs. specific to the class. The discussion will pick up again here as people start taking the class again…
Another thing about the comments: make sure you have them sorted by “newest”. I’m guessing you have them sorted by “oldest”. 🙂
As far as raising my kids, I sometimes struggle between instant happiness and the happiness that comes from discipline. For example, maybe it’s rainy and cold and it would make my daughter “happy” not to go to soccer, however I understand that learning commitment to a team and her fitness creates deeper seated happiness. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve learned that sometimes on the “road to happiness” for our children, as parents we may have to create struggle, stress and short term unhappiness. I know my kids are happiest when we are having “down time” like on a vacation or a lazy Sunday morning, however, I also know that the reason those times are so delicious is because they have worked hard and been productive the other days of the week or weeks of the year. For myself, I totally agree with Margaret and also use my feelings of “off kilter” to redirect myself back to very similar habits to again feel peaceful and happy. Sometimes it seems just that easy and just that hard.
You are bringing great awareness to a common issue: we often confuse gratification — or a quick hit of pleasure, or relief from pain—with more lasting joy (or other positive emotion). It isn’t always easy, you are right, but at least you have good clarity on it!
As far as raising my kids, I sometimes struggle between instant happiness and the happiness that comes from discipline. For example, maybe it’s rainy and cold and it would make my daughter “happy” not to go to soccer, however I understand that learning commitment to a team and her fitness creates deeper seated happiness. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve learned that sometimes on the “road to happiness” for our children, as parents we may have to create struggle, stress and short term unhappiness. I know my kids are happiest when we are having “down time” like on a vacation or a lazy Sunday morning, however, I also know that the reason those times are so delicious is because they have worked hard and been productive the other days of the week or weeks of the year. For myself, I totally agree with Margaret and also use my feelings of “off kilter” to redirect myself back to very similar habits to again feel peaceful and happy. Sometimes it seems just that easy and just that hard.
You are bringing great awareness to a common issue: we often confuse gratification — or a quick hit of pleasure, or relief from pain—with more lasting joy (or other positive emotion). It isn’t always easy, you are right, but at least you have good clarity on it!
I am learning that happiness and creativity are more important than achievement and wow that is one big eye opener for me! Though when I look at my daughters extracurricular activities there aren’t too many of them, and they are mainly creative ones, so am trying to not be too hard on myself!!
I listened to one of your podcasts about sleep also and 10 mins extra at night and 10 min extra in the morning was so much more easy than going to bed half an hour earlier.
I think I’ve learned more about parenting in the last 3 weeks from your website and programme than in the last 11 years of stumbling my way in the dark!! Thank you so much Christine and co!
I am SO GLAD to hear that this is all working really well for you, and so quickly. It is amazing how small tweaks (10 minutes here or there) can act as big levers. Keep up the good work!
I am learning that happiness and creativity are more important than achievement and wow that is one big eye opener for me! Though when I look at my daughters extracurricular activities there aren’t too many of them, and they are mainly creative ones, so am trying to not be too hard on myself!!
I listened to one of your podcasts about sleep also and 10 mins extra at night and 10 min extra in the morning was so much more easy than going to bed half an hour earlier.
I think I’ve learned more about parenting in the last 3 weeks from your website and programme than in the last 11 years of stumbling my way in the dark!! Thank you so much Christine and co!
I am SO GLAD to hear that this is all working really well for you, and so quickly. It is amazing how small tweaks (10 minutes here or there) can act as big levers. Keep up the good work!
I don’t know where to begin! Happiness? What is happiness? These questions are hard, no easy answer.
Doing my best to be up to date in the parenting arena so as to give my child an informed, conscious mother that hopefully will mess him up only slightly. I enjoy seeing how well my child has responded to positive parenting, breastfeeding, close contact, attention. I enjoy just cavorting with my child, reading, writing, browsing, getting through my to do list. But more often than not I experience relief at having done something that needed to be done. I think sleep, if I could sleep would be nice.
Sounds like you are on the right track! And yes, I think more sleep is a GREAT place to start.
I don’t know where to begin! Happiness? What is happiness? These questions are hard, no easy answer.
Doing my best to be up to date in the parenting arena so as to give my child an informed, conscious mother that hopefully will mess him up only slightly. I enjoy seeing how well my child has responded to positive parenting, breastfeeding, close contact, attention. I enjoy just cavorting with my child, reading, writing, browsing, getting through my to do list. But more often than not I experience relief at having done something that needed to be done. I think sleep, if I could sleep would be nice.
Sounds like you are on the right track! And yes, I think more sleep is a GREAT place to start.
Sometimes I get “stuck” in the daily grind and I don’t feel able to do the things that I know make me happy. For example, during the week I’m working – taking the kids to school or bus early then traveling to my job then picking kids up from the late bus and racing to make dinner, get homework done, clean up dishes, break up squabbles, make more food because the kids weren’t focused and didn’t eat enough. What would make me happier is having dinner already made, having time to read with my kids or play a game (but they’re tired and edgy so they just need to get into their night routine) or wrestle with them (but we’re hungry – where’s dinner?) or play piano with them or get some exercise for myself. I feel this clock looming over me to get them fed, teeth brushed, homework, blah blah blah. It feels so yucky! I’ve really been thinking about how to make the evenings more fun so I look forward to coming home and not dreading it. One of my kids is very slow to transition and it often takes him 1/2 hour or more to move through brushing his teeth, putting on pajamas, and settling down into his bed for a story. I get this rising feeling of frustration with the whole process and then I feel bad about that. I “should” be enjoying it! When they get to bed late it makes the next day hard and I really try to protect their sleep time. OK, I’ll stop – too long of a post!
You are really in the thick of it, and I commend you for taking the time to take this class! It doesn’t have to be so unfun, I promise. Sounds like you need to free up some time for something positive in the evenings–you’re on the right track there. What can you do to streamline mealtime? Here are some ideas (I used to have the EXACT same problem you describe): https://www.christinecarter.com/community/blog/2012/03/happiness-tip-automate-a-hassle/. I’ve got 2 VERY slow to transition kids, I work full time, am a single mother, etc. etc. so I really smell what you are stepping in. It’s hard — but it’ll get easier as you work on it.
Thank you! I see where you’re going – really breaking it down step by step. I’ll focus on one thing at a time: make dinner an “easy habit” first and just practice that for awhile. Then I can take on trying to fit in something enjoyable in the evening.
exactly
Sometimes I get “stuck” in the daily grind and I don’t feel able to do the things that I know make me happy. For example, during the week I’m working – taking the kids to school or bus early then traveling to my job then picking kids up from the late bus and racing to make dinner, get homework done, clean up dishes, break up squabbles, make more food because the kids weren’t focused and didn’t eat enough. What would make me happier is having dinner already made, having time to read with my kids or play a game (but they’re tired and edgy so they just need to get into their night routine) or wrestle with them (but we’re hungry – where’s dinner?) or play piano with them or get some exercise for myself. I feel this clock looming over me to get them fed, teeth brushed, homework, blah blah blah. It feels so yucky! I’ve really been thinking about how to make the evenings more fun so I look forward to coming home and not dreading it. One of my kids is very slow to transition and it often takes him 1/2 hour or more to move through brushing his teeth, putting on pajamas, and settling down into his bed for a story. I get this rising feeling of frustration with the whole process and then I feel bad about that. I “should” be enjoying it! When they get to bed late it makes the next day hard and I really try to protect their sleep time. OK, I’ll stop – too long of a post!
You are really in the thick of it, and I commend you for taking the time to take this class! It doesn’t have to be so unfun, I promise. Sounds like you need to free up some time for something positive in the evenings–you’re on the right track there. What can you do to streamline mealtime? Here are some ideas (I used to have the EXACT same problem you describe): https://www.christinecarter.com/community/blog/2012/03/happiness-tip-automate-a-hassle/. I’ve got 2 VERY slow to transition kids, I work full time, am a single mother, etc. etc. so I really smell what you are stepping in. It’s hard — but it’ll get easier as you work on it.
Thank you! I see where you’re going – really breaking it down step by step. I’ll focus on one thing at a time: make dinner an “easy habit” first and just practice that for awhile. Then I can take on trying to fit in something enjoyable in the evening.
exactly
I am eperiencing a lot of sadness right now, after watching the videos and taking notes. I’m reflecting on when I haven’t been happy around my kids and regetting all the times I set a crappy exampe. My work is self-compassion (which I’m working on at this moment)… funny how as soon as I wrote those words- self compassion- I automatically calmed down, took a breath, and the tears slowed. I am recovering from a tonsillectomy, so that could explain when I reflect on my happiness, I’m not seeing it! I’m also going through the last stages of a divorce: money, child custody, the new girlfriend living in my former house. Yick. Yet, I’m still much happier living alone. With B&W thinking, I’m automatically focused on the conflicts of last week rather than the positives. Let’s see… meeting with my “Dharma’ group– 7 friends who gather 2x/mo to meditate and share a meal and focus on mindfulness. Bedtime with my girls who let me put my arms around them and snuggle as we read our books. Sitting in my house by the fire. Accomplishing tasks that have been on my to-do pile. Sharingfamily meals with friends. Finding good deals at the thriftstore. These make me happy, but I’m still challenged by doubt– is this shopping fake happiness? Getting stuff done– also fake? I am glad to be a part of this group and excited to change my brain’s wiring!
Katie: The hardest time in my life was recovering from a tonsillectomy in the final stages of my divorce (seriously, I had one at the same time in my life!) I came through it a much stronger and happier person, and you are already on the track to do so as well. Your self-compassion is admirable, and your sadness to be expected. I’m so glad to have you in this group! And it seems like you have a good support system — I’m glad. Don’t worry about “fake happiness” at this point, expecially. No guilt from feeling grateful, please!
I am experiencing a lot of mixed emotions right now as well. I have been divoirced for 3 years and we have a wonderful, sweet, challenging 6 year old daughter with emotional, attachment, anger and learning difficulties. Her father has been mostly absent by choice and intermittently comes into her life. He ruined me financially, and paying for my daughters health, therapy and the usual clothing, food and before/afterschool care all alone has been challenging. My daughter loves me dearly (although is often super disrespectful) and makes me feel very guilty about having to go to work and not spending enough time with her. My favorite moments (and hers) are spent together coloring, cuddling, talking,swimming, whatever, however she has a very difficult time sharing me with family and friends. I feel like I can never do enough and there is not enough of me to go around or time in the day. I just want her to be happy and I can’t seem to do it. I hope to learn how through these classes. Thanks.
You are right: you can’t make another person be happy, especially not a 6 year old. But you can make yourself happy, usually, and modeling that happiness is how your daughter will learn how to be happy herself. Take a deep breath and let go of the guilt — you need to work. Women all over the world work, and their children benefit from this, just as your daughter benefits from your paid work.
What brings you bliss without your daughter? You might want to focus on both.
You are right: you can’t make another person be happy, especially not a 6 year old. But you can make yourself happy, usually, and modeling that happiness is how your daughter will learn how to be happy herself. Take a deep breath and let go of the guilt — you need to work. Women all over the world work, and their children benefit from this, just as your daughter benefits from your paid work.
What brings you bliss without your daughter? You might want to focus on both.
I am eperiencing a lot of sadness right now, after watching the videos and taking notes. I’m reflecting on when I haven’t been happy around my kids and regetting all the times I set a crappy exampe. My work is self-compassion (which I’m working on at this moment)… funny how as soon as I wrote those words- self compassion- I automatically calmed down, took a breath, and the tears slowed. I am recovering from a tonsillectomy, so that could explain when I reflect on my happiness, I’m not seeing it! I’m also going through the last stages of a divorce: money, child custody, the new girlfriend living in my former house. Yick. Yet, I’m still much happier living alone. With B&W thinking, I’m automatically focused on the conflicts of last week rather than the positives. Let’s see… meeting with my “Dharma’ group– 7 friends who gather 2x/mo to meditate and share a meal and focus on mindfulness. Bedtime with my girls who let me put my arms around them and snuggle as we read our books. Sitting in my house by the fire. Accomplishing tasks that have been on my to-do pile. Sharingfamily meals with friends. Finding good deals at the thriftstore. These make me happy, but I’m still challenged by doubt– is this shopping fake happiness? Getting stuff done– also fake? I am glad to be a part of this group and excited to change my brain’s wiring!
Katie: The hardest time in my life was recovering from a tonsillectomy in the final stages of my divorce (seriously, I had one at the same time in my life!) I came through it a much stronger and happier person, and you are already on the track to do so as well. Your self-compassion is admirable, and your sadness to be expected. I’m so glad to have you in this group! And it seems like you have a good support system — I’m glad. Don’t worry about “fake happiness” at this point, expecially. No guilt from feeling grateful, please!
I am experiencing a lot of mixed emotions right now as well. I have been divoirced for 3 years and we have a wonderful, sweet, challenging 6 year old daughter with emotional, attachment, anger and learning difficulties. Her father has been mostly absent by choice and intermittently comes into her life. He ruined me financially, and paying for my daughters health, therapy and the usual clothing, food and before/afterschool care all alone has been challenging. My daughter loves me dearly (although is often super disrespectful) and makes me feel very guilty about having to go to work and not spending enough time with her. My favorite moments (and hers) are spent together coloring, cuddling, talking,swimming, whatever, however she has a very difficult time sharing me with family and friends. I feel like I can never do enough and there is not enough of me to go around or time in the day. I just want her to be happy and I can’t seem to do it. I hope to learn how through these classes. Thanks.
You are right: you can’t make another person be happy, especially not a 6 year old. But you can make yourself happy, usually, and modeling that happiness is how your daughter will learn how to be happy herself. Take a deep breath and let go of the guilt — you need to work. Women all over the world work, and their children benefit from this, just as your daughter benefits from your paid work.
What brings you bliss without your daughter? You might want to focus on both.
You are right: you can’t make another person be happy, especially not a 6 year old. But you can make yourself happy, usually, and modeling that happiness is how your daughter will learn how to be happy herself. Take a deep breath and let go of the guilt — you need to work. Women all over the world work, and their children benefit from this, just as your daughter benefits from your paid work.
What brings you bliss without your daughter? You might want to focus on both.
I’ve started the program…viewed the first videos and started writing in my journal. I’m excited to be doing this. After writing in my journal for the first time I immediately felt better knowing that I have and do in fact do things that help bring greater happiness to our family. I seem to forget easily that there are positive things happening. Part of the problem is that I don’t get that feedback from my children saying that this is a good thing for them. They don’t appreciate our time together at dinner for example. And I focus so much on the little conflicts that seem to happen often. I used to be a very positive person…I’ve been losing that part of me. Starting the homestudy will be a way for me to bring out that positive side.
I’m so glad to hear that you immediately felt better — we’ll be making changes over the long term, but it is really nice that there is usually immediate gratification as well. As parents, we definitely don’t do everything we do for the immediate rewards; most kids won’t give you any sort of positive feedback for your skillful parenting for DECADES. But someday they will thank you for doing the hard things, like making time for family dinner. In the mean time, I’m glad to have you in the program, and I’m optimistic that the positive part of you is on her way back home!
I’ve started the program…viewed the first videos and started writing in my journal. I’m excited to be doing this. After writing in my journal for the first time I immediately felt better knowing that I have and do in fact do things that help bring greater happiness to our family. I seem to forget easily that there are positive things happening. Part of the problem is that I don’t get that feedback from my children saying that this is a good thing for them. They don’t appreciate our time together at dinner for example. And I focus so much on the little conflicts that seem to happen often. I used to be a very positive person…I’ve been losing that part of me. Starting the homestudy will be a way for me to bring out that positive side.
I’m so glad to hear that you immediately felt better — we’ll be making changes over the long term, but it is really nice that there is usually immediate gratification as well. As parents, we definitely don’t do everything we do for the immediate rewards; most kids won’t give you any sort of positive feedback for your skillful parenting for DECADES. But someday they will thank you for doing the hard things, like making time for family dinner. In the mean time, I’m glad to have you in the program, and I’m optimistic that the positive part of you is on her way back home!
When it comes to activities – our daughters after school activities in particular – i feel like we spend a lot of time thinking about balance about how she can do less. So in trying to shape her time, we’re trying to come up with a way for her to do the things that she wants but to not be busy every day after school. So, as a way to foster happiness, we’re working on giving her free time & space to think. It’s sort of like the anti-activity.
I love that! (And I bet your daughter loves it, too.) For many of us, it is really important to recognize that we just can’t do everything…
When it comes to activities – our daughters after school activities in particular – i feel like we spend a lot of time thinking about balance about how she can do less. So in trying to shape her time, we’re trying to come up with a way for her to do the things that she wants but to not be busy every day after school. So, as a way to foster happiness, we’re working on giving her free time & space to think. It’s sort of like the anti-activity.
I love that! (And I bet your daughter loves it, too.) For many of us, it is really important to recognize that we just can’t do everything…
My husband and I answered the questions separately and compared notes afterwards. It was interesting to see how much our answers differed and how little we agreed. It led to an interesting discussion though. We differed for example on why soccer brings our 8 year old son ( here in the Netherlands it’s mainly a sport for boys) happiness. My husband believes sports intrinsically make you happy, while I believe it brings him happiness because of the social contacts. We both also noticed it was much easier to think of all the things that would make our kid and us happier if we would do things differently. I subsequently tried to focus on the positive this week!
I’m sure you are both right — it’s great that you come at things from different angles. And fun that you are doing the class together!
My husband and I answered the questions separately and compared notes afterwards. It was interesting to see how much our answers differed and how little we agreed. It led to an interesting discussion though. We differed for example on why soccer brings our 8 year old son ( here in the Netherlands it’s mainly a sport for boys) happiness. My husband believes sports intrinsically make you happy, while I believe it brings him happiness because of the social contacts. We both also noticed it was much easier to think of all the things that would make our kid and us happier if we would do things differently. I subsequently tried to focus on the positive this week!
I’m sure you are both right — it’s great that you come at things from different angles. And fun that you are doing the class together!
When I thought through the questions today I came to the revelation that we have done a lot to set up our lives so happiness is a good possibility- I mean we don’t work too much (I work part time) the kids (ages 3 and 5) are not too busy (no official activities outside of daycare/ preschool), we have lots of family time (including extended family), eat dinner together most every night, and have a decent social life outside the kids. I think what we are missing is the mindfulness to enjoy all this time. For example family dinners are supposed to be quality time, but they often end up hurried and stressed. Or in the morning-I don’t work until 10 so should have a relaxing morning- it can be hurried and stressed due to poor planning or just forgetting to enjoy ourselves. I also feel improvements could be made by prioritizing things we adults want to do- often I think the kids needs/wants are over prioritized 🙂
This is a great reflection: You are really well set up to now make some small shifts that can have a really big effect!
Fantastic article post.Much thanks again. Want more.