We say [‘I’m SO BUSY’] to one another with no small degree of pride, as if our exhaustion were a trophy, our ability to withstand stress a real mark of character. The busier we are, the more important we seem to ourselves and, we imagine, to others.”–Wayne Muller
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This Week’s Practice
Stop “Shoulding” on Yourself
We can’t do our best raising our children without being happy, and we can’t be happy if we are too busy to enjoy life. So this week our practice is to focus on cutting back and saying no.
(1) First, take notice:
- What types of activities routinely make you feel “crazybusy”?
- What types of things are you doing out of obligation or routine, that you feel you should do, but that don’t bring you (or your kids) joy?
- What do you do because you are afraid of missing out?
- What “extras” do you have in your life that you wouldn’t miss if you took them out?
(2) Get out your axe. Start systematically pulling things off your calendar.
(3) Plan for the future.
- Make rules for yourself so you don’t end up back where you started, e.g., no email after 9:00 pm.
- Get support from your friends, your own parents, your spouse, your Raising Happiness buddy.
- Script and practice saying no.
- Clear roadblocks. Is there someone in your life whose expectations might make your life more difficult? Who is imposing “should dos”? Talk with them directly about your happiness and the happiness of your children. Then listen to yourself, not them.
Previous Practices to Keep Working On
- Schedule time to take the class. You’ll get more out of class if you watch the video and plan to do the practices at the same time each week. What time is that for you?
- Find a buddy or a group. If this is something that you want to do, but haven’t found someone yet, don’t give up! Use the comment section to rally support from others, and to find people near you.
Join the Discussion
- How have the first few weeks of the Class been for you? What is working? What isn’t?
- Did you add some blissful activities into your week last week? Tell us about them!
Please post your response in the comment section. Be sure to subscribe to the comments so you can see what other participants are talking about, and so that you can offer your suggestions.
Your Weekly Thought
Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. In order to have what you want, you must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do.” –Margaret Young, paraphrased
Have a great week, everyone!
How have the first few weeks of the Class been for you? What is working? What isn’t?
What activities are you working on cutting out of your schedule that make you feel “crazybusy”? What “rules” are you creating for yourself to help you?
I love this class. I have been motivated to prioritize my time differently and make happiness/bliss moments happen. Here’s a few things I’ve done…
Asked my partner to take the kids to school a couple days of week and to do the night time routine some nights as well. This has increased my flow and happiness in a huge way and he was happy to do it. I was doing it most of it because I thought I should because the kids always ask for me. Their dad is fantastic with them and it’s working great.
I have had dinner with a girlfriend and am scheduling more time with friends. This has been something I’ve wanted to do more regularly, but always let slide.
Starting walking/hiking a few times a week. I typically do pilates/weights, but know I have better energy and feel happier if I get some sort of cardio exercise. Some of the walks I’ve scheduled with my partner, which is a great time for us chat and connect, which also makes me happy!
My biggest “should” is related to time spent my kids. When they are with our nanny and I’m not with them, I have a constant inner dialog about “should” I be with them, have I spent enough time with them, etc. I feel guilty when I’m away at times. I spend a lot of time with them and am working on getting rid of the should.
Wow – you’ve made a lot of great changes. Even if, over the long run, you find that only one of these changes sticks, I’d expect you to be lastingly happier, so don’t be hard on yourself if ALL of these things aren’t happening at once. Kudos!
I really liked the quote about busy ness making us feel self important. It helps me understand why I have reacted negaitively to the “conversation” Christine describes, where people- my friends- say they are so busy when asked how they are doing. I have always felt that being busy is a choice we make, even a privelege, and everyone is busy, so we shouldnt react as if it is some burden someone is placing on us. An ungracious side of me condemns my own friends for that conversation. It does not feel good to admit that but I also know that what we react to in others is something we often dont like about ourselves. So the quote by Muller is helping me to also see that I, too, get a sense of self importance out of being busy. Maybe since I have four kids, a job, and community involvement I feel like others dont deserve to feel any busier than I do?! I think with this lesson I am going to start allowing other people to be busy if they want and to stop allowing myself to feel any sense of self importance I may have. Because it is backwards! Thank you for showing me that.
You are welcome! Thank you for sharing this reflection. And I recommend practicing compassion–and self-compassion–when that busyness conversation pops up. 🙂
I started the week off in the ER after having a 14-day tension headache ending with a whopper of a migraine! This assignment couldn’t have come at a better time! I am “shoulding” on my self like crazy because I work and I have a 3-year old. Ultimately, I want to have the best moments with him when I’m not working– go to the park, marina, cook together, joyful moments to shape his childhood. In ADDITION, I “should” cook for the day, clean up , do the laundry, practicing piano 2 hours/ day, exercise and stay in touch with my family/ friends. This list is great, but it is UNACHIEVABLE. So, I’m carving out the days starting at a list of 50% my old one. Everything is split. And, the ER trip scared my husband so much, he’s naturally helping more. It’s amazing what we expect from ourselves. My new mantra is just “enjoy.” My son is just as happy sitting by me and helping me do dishes, we do it happily. I can get just as much accomplished at the piano in one hour, not two. My husband is cooking MWF and I am cooking TTHSSu. Saturday we go out. etc etc etc I could list more details. Ultimately, my body has told me the truth: “YOU’RE DOING TOO MUCH!” So, I’m listening. And THANK YOU Christine for giving me more tools to work with!
XOXO Becky
This is wonderful, and an inspiration to all. I’m sorry it took a trip to the ER, but I’m happy that it has spurred changes for a happier and more sustainable life.
One quick other thing: I am choosing not to reply to the question “How are you?” with “SOOO busy!!!” It’s so true– it’s the first thing we think to say. Instead, I say I’m fine & enjoying something….. the weather, my son, the music of the day, whatever. Hoping to start a subtle movement of conversation that doesn’t involve listing our stresses, but listing our joys. Again, thank you, Christine, for your incredible service.
This is a great idea: using the question “how are you?” as an action trigger to express something that you feel grateful for:
“How are you?”
“I’m thankful for this beautiful weather!”
etc.
I am relieved to say I have already made some headway in identifying and letting go of “crazy busy” activities but this did take me YEARS to learn!!! I come from a family of many high achieving individuals who take on crazy busy schedules which strongly influences me as I admire them. I chose a husband who has reminded me to truly listen to my own rhythm and to make sure to smell the roses. My overall goal is to achieve a feeling of wholeness that balances the importance of healthy social interaction and inspiring activities with necessary time for self-care and self reflection. I am trying to translate this balance to the kids. For example, I try to make sure to mix booking playdates with allowing for simple downtime for the kids. For everyone’s ease we commit almost only to local/neighborhood activities to avoid extra stress. Finally, living in Canada where winter’s can be cold and snowy, I recognized that it felt “crazybusy” to book extracurricular activities during this season (picture snowsuits, shoveling, freezing hands, coinciding with cold and flu season etc.) therefore we celebrate partaking in more activities in the spring and summer to compensate. I am more relaxed in these seasons which of course has a ripple effect on the kids. And I mentioned on the coaching call that I have developed a creative solution for exercising during the school week. To avoid the “crazybusy” feeling of finding babysitting so I could go out to exercise I set the kids up with lunch or dinner and tell them it is time for the “Mommy Show”. I put on an exercise DVD I like and station myself right next to them and fit in a workout while they cheer me on and even join in sometimes. New rules I would like to set would be getting to bed at a reasonable time every night, no stressful conversations or work after 9pm, including exercise at least 6 days a week. I will delegate my husband and kids as my happiness referees to help support these goals.
It really sounds like you are on top of it, eliminating the things that make you feel crazybusy, and attending to the subtleties, like the differences that season or neighborhood bring. I’d encourage you to make simpler rules — some of the the ones that you list sound like entirely new habits. Turning off your computer by 9:00 pm is a great start.
I have to admit that looking at a “to do” list that’s all done, also makes me happy. In the past when I’ve slowed things down too much I feel a lack of purpose. So, as with all things I believe it’s finding a balance. It’s interesting that the result of the research was a sense of anxiety because I’ve certainly felt that before when life got too fast. So, things I’ve cut out are PTA committees as well as evening community committees – do I feel a little guilty seeing the PTA parents? Yes, but I remind myself that that is how they chose to serve and I must save energy to put towards ways I feel like I best serve (my family, my community and myself)
I totally agree, it is all about balance. I couldn’t slow to a stop, either, for a lot of reasons. I think you’ve got a good approach—everyone contributes in their own way.
I have to admit that looking at a “to do” list that’s all done, also makes me happy. In the past when I’ve slowed things down too much I feel a lack of purpose. So, as with all things I believe it’s finding a balance. It’s interesting that the result of the research was a sense of anxiety because I’ve certainly felt that before when life got too fast. So, things I’ve cut out are PTA committees as well as evening community committees – do I feel a little guilty seeing the PTA parents? Yes, but I remind myself that that is how they chose to serve and I must save energy to put towards ways I feel like I best serve (my family, my community and myself)
I totally agree, it is all about balance. I couldn’t slow to a stop, either, for a lot of reasons. I think you’ve got a good approach—everyone contributes in their own way.
Loved the segment. It was your podcast some time back on Happiness Matters that highlighted for me how absurd this “I am so busy” conversational ritual is. As my children are a little older and I have developed more strategies and mindfulness I feel less stressed and busy.. I have more time than many people as a SAHM. But I guess it’s also mindset, I have 3 kids, a husband with a huge job, big extended family and a lot of volunteer responsibilities so I can be busy (Oh look at me I sort of had to prove that I too can be busy!).
I think there is the eliminating, saying no to things that don’t work, but things are also easier if you just choose to come at it with love vs. frustration. Sometimes the same thing can be different if you change your mindset. For example at this time of year there are so many lists of food to bring to places. I used to get overwhelmed or wonder if I should not sign up… but I’ve tipped my thinking about it to see it as a loving act. I think I can do this because I take care of myself too.
I have also learned a lot from my kids. They neeeeeeeeeeeddddd their rest/downtime. Gotta have it, won’t do without it. They don’t care about not going to something if they feel depleted they will say it just can’t happen. This has created a mindfulness about making sure I find the balance in our lives.
This segment is perfect for this time of year, holidays… because there is so much should, guilt etc. Even those who are pretty good about avoiding too much of that end up with a heap.
I’m so glad that you got so much out of this class! Your insights are great, and I think it is wonderful that you’ve learned to take care of yourself by watching your kids. In my experience, few people do that.
You are so right to listen to those kids. I have found myself frustrated when my kids don’t want to do things i.e. go to a museum. Sometimes I’ve attributed it to their not wanting to do something new; a lack of adventure. But often they really do want to relax and do nothing but hang out and play at home. BTW I was curious about what SAHM means?
Loved the segment. It was your podcast some time back on Happiness Matters that highlighted for me how absurd this “I am so busy” conversational ritual is. As my children are a little older and I have developed more strategies and mindfulness I feel less stressed and busy.. I have more time than many people as a SAHM. But I guess it’s also mindset, I have 3 kids, a husband with a huge job, big extended family and a lot of volunteer responsibilities so I can be busy (Oh look at me I sort of had to prove that I too can be busy!).
I think there is the eliminating, saying no to things that don’t work, but things are also easier if you just choose to come at it with love vs. frustration. Sometimes the same thing can be different if you change your mindset. For example at this time of year there are so many lists of food to bring to places. I used to get overwhelmed or wonder if I should not sign up… but I’ve tipped my thinking about it to see it as a loving act. I think I can do this because I take care of myself too.
I have also learned a lot from my kids. They neeeeeeeeeeeddddd their rest/downtime. Gotta have it, won’t do without it. They don’t care about not going to something if they feel depleted they will say it just can’t happen. This has created a mindfulness about making sure I find the balance in our lives.
This segment is perfect for this time of year, holidays… because there is so much should, guilt etc. Even those who are pretty good about avoiding too much of that end up with a heap.
I’m so glad that you got so much out of this class! Your insights are great, and I think it is wonderful that you’ve learned to take care of yourself by watching your kids. In my experience, few people do that.
You are so right to listen to those kids. I have found myself frustrated when my kids don’t want to do things i.e. go to a museum. Sometimes I’ve attributed it to their not wanting to do something new; a lack of adventure. But often they really do want to relax and do nothing but hang out and play at home. BTW I was curious about what SAHM means?
Hi Christine I’m doing your course on line from England. I am learning so much from it and am sharing my learning with my girl friends. Many of them are having a really hard time and I feel more grounded in myself and less drained because I am really clear from what you have taught me about how to help them too whilst looking after myself at the same time.
I really like your work and the fact that it is so strongly grounded in science. Thank you so much.
Yay! So fun to have someone doing the class from England!! Glad that you and your girlfriends are getting so much out of it.
Hi Christine I’m doing your course on line from England. I am learning so much from it and am sharing my learning with my girl friends. Many of them are having a really hard time and I feel more grounded in myself and less drained because I am really clear from what you have taught me about how to help them too whilst looking after myself at the same time.
I really like your work and the fact that it is so strongly grounded in science. Thank you so much.
Yay! So fun to have someone doing the class from England!! Glad that you and your girlfriends are getting so much out of it.
I thought reading was my one main bliss activity, but in the middle of my Zumba class (an exercise class where you dance to a variety of great music—much of it Latin based) I realized that too is bliss for me. I hadn’t made note of this thinking that exercise is something I need to do to keep healthy. At the end of the class, with me feeling blissful I took the opportunity to express my gratitude to the instructor. I see now that even though I started out exercising regularly to keep healthy (after a bout of breast cancer) I often experience it as flow.
Now, after hearing this last video I will have to work hard to not be “crazybusy”, especially with me getting ready to host Christmas dinner. I actually don’t think it is possible for me these next days until after Christmas. After reading Margaret’s comment below I want to try to think about these Christmas activities as my way of showing love rather than it being an overwhelming experience. If I am doing all of this for that reason then I feel less of the “crazy” part of the busy. I also have to remind myself over and over again that if some things are not done my family will still accept and love me. Ultimately, they want me to be happy.
What a great insight about your Zumba class! And I like the way you’ve reframed Christmas–that’s both very positive, and also realistic.
I thought reading was my one main bliss activity, but in the middle of my Zumba class (an exercise class where you dance to a variety of great music—much of it Latin based) I realized that too is bliss for me. I hadn’t made note of this thinking that exercise is something I need to do to keep healthy. At the end of the class, with me feeling blissful I took the opportunity to express my gratitude to the instructor. I see now that even though I started out exercising regularly to keep healthy (after a bout of breast cancer) I often experience it as flow.
Now, after hearing this last video I will have to work hard to not be “crazybusy”, especially with me getting ready to host Christmas dinner. I actually don’t think it is possible for me these next days until after Christmas. After reading Margaret’s comment below I want to try to think about these Christmas activities as my way of showing love rather than it being an overwhelming experience. If I am doing all of this for that reason then I feel less of the “crazy” part of the busy. I also have to remind myself over and over again that if some things are not done my family will still accept and love me. Ultimately, they want me to be happy.
What a great insight about your Zumba class! And I like the way you’ve reframed Christmas–that’s both very positive, and also realistic.
This one was really hard for me. It took me a while to figure out what I could cut! Now that I am more in touch to what makes me crazy-busy, I can tackle them better. I really like the fact that in Chinese that the characters for for busy are heart and killing. Makes total sense!I also know why I am purposefully NOT on facebook. No sooner had my husband registered me on facebook for this class (but before getting the privacy settings) I had 3 requests to be friended! My facebook page lasted about 5 minutes and that “crazy-busy” stress began. I am again blissfully without a facebook page. Grace
This one was really hard for me. It took me a while to figure out what I could cut! Now that I am more in touch to what makes me crazy-busy, I can tackle them better. I really like the fact that in Chinese that the characters for for busy are heart and killing. Makes total sense!I also know why I am purposefully NOT on facebook. No sooner had my husband registered me on facebook for this class (but before getting the privacy settings) I had 3 requests to be friended! My facebook page lasted about 5 minutes and that “crazy-busy” stress began. I am again blissfully without a facebook page. Grace
We added a new fun activity in our family over the last couple of weeks. So, our 8 year old got a stack of puzzles for Christmas this year and we’ve been working through them as a family. It’s been good, clean, screen-free, off-line fun that we can all participate in. It’s been great to work on something together and it’s also created this terrific time & space to just talk. The puzzle is on the kitchen table so we just push it over during meals – but one of the surprise best parts is that it’s also keeping everyone at the table after dinner. Instead of scattering to do our list of ‘shoulds’ – we just dive right back into the puzzle. I’d originally thought of the puzzles as an activity for Emma but it’s been really delightful to add this sweet blissful play for all of us.
We added a new fun activity in our family over the last couple of weeks. So, our 8 year old got a stack of puzzles for Christmas this year and we’ve been working through them as a family. It’s been good, clean, screen-free, off-line fun that we can all participate in. It’s been great to work on something together and it’s also created this terrific time & space to just talk. The puzzle is on the kitchen table so we just push it over during meals – but one of the surprise best parts is that it’s also keeping everyone at the table after dinner. Instead of scattering to do our list of ‘shoulds’ – we just dive right back into the puzzle. I’d originally thought of the puzzles as an activity for Emma but it’s been really delightful to add this sweet blissful play for all of us.
This was such a helpful segment. I was feeling incredibly guilty about saying no to a few volunteer opportunities that I had been offered, and this really helps me feel better about making that choice. (I know that I will have time to volunteer more when my daughters are a little older and more independent.) I was thinking about what you said about the choices we make out of fear, and the girls’ swim lessons immediately came to mind. They don’t love going to swim lessons, and it’s a fairly exhausting endeavor each week, but I’m worried they won’t learn how to swim otherwise! I need to think about that one more. Thanks for this!
Skip the swim lessons! They WILL learn to swim — and it will be a lot less exhausting when they are motivated (and old enough to keep track of all their gear).
We’ve skipped them! We’ve skipped them! *huge sigh of relief*
This was such a helpful segment. I was feeling incredibly guilty about saying no to a few volunteer opportunities that I had been offered, and this really helps me feel better about making that choice. (I know that I will have time to volunteer more when my daughters are a little older and more independent.) I was thinking about what you said about the choices we make out of fear, and the girls’ swim lessons immediately came to mind. They don’t love going to swim lessons, and it’s a fairly exhausting endeavor each week, but I’m worried they won’t learn how to swim otherwise! I need to think about that one more. Thanks for this!
Skip the swim lessons! They WILL learn to swim — and it will be a lot less exhausting when they are motivated (and old enough to keep track of all their gear).
We’ve skipped them! We’ve skipped them! *huge sigh of relief*
I have 3 children and am currently a stay at home mom. My kids are fairly young, so we have thus far been able to limit their scheduled activities, (although I’m bracing myself for that getting harder as they age and their interests change). Anyway, I just was chiming in to say that for me, I think my husband and I are actually pretty good at resisting the “over-busy” state. I have one child in soccer (which my husband is coaching), but that’s it right now. Even so, I often feel overwhelmed and have to wonder why that is? I think for me it is more related to what you were getting at in the first part of the video — doing too many instrumental tasks and not allowing for enough down time, or simply viewing too many of my daily tasks as critically necessary instead of optional. When I was a working (i.e., outside of the home, in an office) mom, I think I could better mentally delineate between “work” and “home” and then did not feel guilty when I gave myself some leisure time. However, now that I’m a stay at home mom, I just feel like there’s always something more I could be doing (cooking, cleaning, etc. are never-ending, as we all know), and therefore I feel more guilt when I stop doing those things. It truly feels like the job that never ends – as they say, stay at home parents work weekends, holidays, and vacations. (What I mean, of course, is that those activities feel more like constant “work” to me now than they used to when I was employed.) I’m considering returning to work, and I think it’s funny that in my case doing so might actually bring me a better balance in life, even though most people view juggling kids and a job as the less simple way of life.
Of the stay at home moms that I know, I think the happier ones are the women who have an outlet for something else in their lives, and who make time for breaks for themselves without feeling guilty.
The stuff about choice also rings so true to me. In this Internet age, it seems that everything, even the most mundane purchases, can become a research project. Which pacifier should I buy? Gee, there are 100 online reviews I could read. Which bike helmet? Which shampoo? We are lucky to have options that prior generations didn’t, and as someone who cares about things like the environment, and keeping toxins away, I am grateful for being able to find out more information about the things my family purchases. But frankly I find it hard to ignore all of the information overload. I must admit that “looking into” everything, even briefly, really adds up – it’s time-consuming and without realizing it can become exhausting when it starts displacing other fun activities.
Hi Kate – Sorry for the delay in my reply, I’ve been out of the country. It sounds like you are actually on track — that you’ve identified several key things that will lead to greater happiness. Have you been able to make some changes — carving out some “non-instrumental” time for yourself and “satisficing” more?
Really enjoyed this article post.Really thank you! Cool.