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by admin

Have Dinner Together

Tonight, have dinner together. Shared meals deepen our connections with one another, and give us the sense that we are part of something larger than ourselves.

Social distancing is an opportunity to foster more meaningful connections in our own homes. Normally, dinnertime can be a sore subject for families that crave time together but can’t seem to find it. Now that the kids are unexpectedly out of school and group activities are canceled, there is no better time to reset and focus on what really matters.

Family meals foster many important social skills. The research is particularly compelling around language development and dinnertime–and language is the most important facet of social intelligence we have.

Running out of things to talk about at dinnertime? Start telling your kids some family history. Research shows that telling stories about your shared past creates strong and secure emotional bonds, which directly impacts how socially connected they feel. Turns out this study also found that kids who knew a lot about their family history learned it at dinnertime.

For more on harnessing the power of family dinners, check out this throwback video from The Raising Happiness Homestudy.

by admin

How to Reset Your Sleep Clock

Moving our clocks forward this past weekend changed our bodies’ principal cue (light) for keeping time with our circadian rhythm. This usually causes us to be temporarily jet-lagged, or out of sync with our 24-hour wake/sleep schedule, making a lot of us feel a little off our game. Or more than that: Sleep deprivation is miserable. A poor night’s sleep is the ultimate mood killer, and over time those bad moods add up. People who regularly get less than seven hours of sleep at night are far more likely to develop depression or severe anxiety.

And did you know that modest reductions in sleep quality, even without a decrease in sleep quantity, tend to make us feel lonely? More than that, poor sleep quality leads us to act in ways that increase our isolation, not reduce it. Sleep-deprived people are more likely to avoid contact and are less inclined to engage with other people. Worse still, sleep-deprived folks tend to be judged as socially unattractive by others. And as if that isn’t enough, the effect is contagious: Well-rested people feel lonelier after even a one-minute encounter with a sleep-deprived person.
The good news is that we can use this disruption to reset our sleep clocks, which will soothe the anxiety that might have emerged this week.

How to Reset your Circadian Rhythm

Our sleep is primarily governed by a “biological clock” in the center of our brain called the suprachiasmatic nucleus. It sits just above the place where our optical nerves cross. This biological clock keeps time thanks to the light pulsing through the optical nerves below it. Unthwarted by modern life, the sun is a reliable winding mechanism: Every day since the dawn of the earth, the sun has risen and set in a 24-hour cycle.
As the sun sets, the suprachiasmatic nucleus detects the darkening world, which triggers the release of melatonin, the chemical messenger that commands the body to prepare for sleep. We feel sleepy and our body gets ready to fall asleep when melatonin starts to build up in our system, a few hours after dark.
When we expose ourselves to artificial light after sunset, though, our biological clock loses its primary winding mechanism. These days, light doesn’t stop pulsing through the suprachiasmatic nucleus until we turn off our bedside lamp and close our eyes—and even then, if there is still even a tiny source of light in our room, it might not. When we can’t fall asleep, often it’s because we don’t have enough melatonin built up in our system.
For that reason, looking at a phone, iPad, or computer is about the worst thing we can do before bed. One study found that reading on an iPad suppressed melatonin release by over 50 percent, compared to reading a paper book at night. The blue light emitted by our devices can delay the rise of melatonin by three hours, causing us to lose significant amounts of REM sleep—the type of sleep that is important for dreaming and that, when limited, most affects our moods.
You might be surprised to hear that even the tiny string lights that many college students string up around their dorm rooms can keep you from falling asleep. “Even a hint of dim light—8 to 10 lux—has been shown to delay the release of nighttime melatonin in humans,” writes UC Berkeley neuroscientist Matthew Walker in his book, Why We Sleep. “The feeblest of bedside lamps pumps out twice as much: anywhere from 20 to 80 lux.”
So, the first step is to turn the brightness on your screens way down at night, and to crank the “night shift” display settings to “most warm.” Unfortunately, according to some recent research, this won’t be enough to prevent light-induced melatonin suppression. So how can we best give ourselves the darkness we need to prepare for sleep?
  • Wearing dorky orange wrap-around glasses for an hour or two before bedtime tricks our biological clocks into thinking it is dark. This means that the suprachiasmatic nucleus will trigger the release of melatonin as though it were dark out.
  • We can also reset our biological clocks using light in the morning rather than darkness at night; bright light exposure for at least six and a half hours during the day can eliminate the hindering effects of artificial light exposure at night. On days when we aren’t able to expose ourselves to bright sunlight for this long, 20-30 minutes in front of a lightbox early in the morning can increase evening melatonin levels by 81 percent.
  • Although light is the primary way that our biological clock keeps time, our habits also influence our circadian rhythm. This is why so many of the best “healthy sleep guides,” like this one from the National Sleep Foundation, emphasize going to bed and waking up at the same time, as well as establishing a good bedtime routine.

So now is a great time for us all to establish — or reinforce — our bedtime routines. What do you do to wind-down at the end of the day and get yourself ready for deep sleep?

by admin

What to Do Instead of Nag

Nagging doesn’t feel good to the person doing the nagging, and it certainly doesn’t feel good to be nagged. Moreover, when kids know we are going to nag them, they don’t monitor themselves—they wait to be reminded. Sometimes many, many times. Ironically, this makes them feel dependent, and so most teens will then further resist the limit in order to regain a sense of control and autonomy.

Fortunately, instead of nagging, we can ask our kids questions. My all-time favorite question is this one: What’s your plan?

As in, “What’s your plan for getting to bed on time tonight?” or “What’s your plan for getting your homework done this weekend?” This makes it clear that they are still in control of their own behavior, and it helps put them in touch with their own motivations and intentions. Often kids simply need to make a plan, and sometimes if they aren’t asked to articulate that plan, they won’t do make it—especially kids who are used to being nagged, because they know their parents will eventually get frustrated and do their planning for them.

For more strategies to influence and motivate teenagers, check out The New Adolescence.

by Christine Carter
Christine Carter - 5 Steps to End Your Email Addiction

Unplug and Reconnect

From sundown on Friday, March 6 to sundown on Saturday, March 7, 2020 is National Day of Unplugging.  Before you think, “there’s no way I can unplug for 24 hours,” bear with me. It is SUPER worth-while to consider doing a digital detox every once in a while. Why?

Research suggests that screen time (especially social media usage) leads to unhappiness. Three recent studies all found basically the same thing: The more people used Facebook, the lower their happiness (or the higher their loneliness and depression) was when researchers assessed them again. It’s important to note that it’s not that people who were feeling unhappy used social media more; it’s that Facebook caused their unhappiness.

This short 24-hour detox is a wonderful way to dip your toe into a full digital detox. This will free up tons of time (and don’t we all want more time?). Let’s read! And stare into space! And most importantly: Connect with family and friends! If you have an anxious or distracted teen, this is a perfect time to model both unplugging and reconnecting IRL.

While most of us can’t give up screens at work, or if we are in school, we can give up digital entertainment and social media for 24 hours. Even if we can’t go completely screen-free, we can reduce our exposure. It’s easy to spend most of our entire waking existence monitoring our email and social media feeds. We can begin the day by turning off the alarm on our phone . . . and then checking our messages. Before we are out of bed. And then we can bring our phones–and our feeds–with us to the bathroom. And we check again at breakfast.  Lunch? We “catch up” on email or Facebook. For most people, the checking continues long into the evening.

Does this sound familiar? If so, here are five steps that will help you check less, but work — and play — more.

Step 1: Decide what to do instead of checking constantly. If you are going to spend less time monitoring your email (and social media feeds, and anything else that is constantly nagging you for attention), what would be more productive or joyful for you? My clients often want to spend more time doing focused, intelligent, creative work, and more time relaxing, exercising, and hanging out with their families. Actually block off time on your calendar for stuff like “Read with hubby” or “Do focused writing/thinking.”

Step 2: Hide the bowl of candy. If you were trying to eat less candy, would you carry a bowl of it around with you? Would you put it on your nightstand and reach into it first thing in the morning? And then carry it with you to the bathroom? And then set it next to you while you try to eat a healthy breakfast? And then put it on your dashboard? I didn’t think so. So keep that smartphone tucked away during your 24 hours of unplugging. (Maybe make sure your water bottle isn’t leaking before you keep it stashed in your bag, though.) Think of it as a tool, like a hammer, that you don’t need to pull out unless you need it for a phone. Make adjustments: Dig up your old-fashioned alarm clock, update your car’s navigation system, and put that digital camera back in your bag for the times when getting a call or text will tempt you if you are using a camera.

Step 3: Notice what happens. Notice the difficult bits with curiosity (and maybe humor). How do you feel as you detox from constant checking? How are people reacting now that you don’t respond to everything instantly? Notice also the moments of ease and focus. Your tension levels will likely drop, and you’ll probably be less stressed. How does this feel in your body? Really see the people around you, now that you are looking up from your phone. Smile.

Want support? Well, join us!

If you need a little more support or guidance planning your digital detox, I developed a complete plan in my free eBook, How to Gain an Extra Day Each Week.  Sign up to receive my monthly newsletter here and I’ll send it right over.

by admin

Grace Cathedral Forum

Booklaunch highlight: Participating in the Forum last weekend at Grace Cathedral. I love Dean Malcolm Young; it was so fun to be with him again. He asked GREAT questions, as did the audience. I hope you enjoy the interview!

by admin

Come See Me!

Let’s hang out in person! I would love to meet you!! ⁠


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Join me at the Hillside Club in Berkeley tomorrow, Thursday, 2/20/20 (how’s that for an auspicious date?). Or see me being interviewed by the Rev. Dr. Malcolm Young at San Francisco’s majestic Grace Cathedral this Sunday.

Or how about Seattle at the Kirkland Auditorium? If you’re on the East Coast, I hope you’ll join me at this event just outside of Boston. Or perhaps you’d like to see me in conversation at Book Passage in Marin — I’m pretty excited to talk teens with my old friend Chris Mazzola, Head of the Branson School. ⁠
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See my full speaking schedule here.

by admin

Launch Day!

The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction launches today! Many of you have already pre-ordered it or are planning to attend a book event, and for that, I am profoundly grateful. 

100% of Profits Fight Poverty

Have you been meaning to get a ticket to a book talk or pre-order the book? If you do it now, you’ll be helping me AND many others. How? I am donating everything I earn on pre-orders to Tipping Point Community. Located here in the San Francisco Bay Area, Tipping Point identifies and invests in the most effective anti-poverty solutions by funding a portfolio of poverty-fighting organizations.

Pre-orders matter a lot.

Booksellers take note of a new title’s pre-orders as an indication of reader support and enthusiasm. Those who haven’t yet stocked The New Adolescence are likely to do so if pre-orders are strong. And booksellers are more likely to feature it in their stores or online during the launch week — which is exactly what we need. So I’m humbly asking you to pre-order the book, as an act of kindness and friendship (in addition to hopefully being a helpful book for you to read). I will do my best to return the favor by sending you free gifts.

Okay. I’m done asking for favors. 

In thanks for all that you do for me, we’ve put together a few bonus gifts for you. Click here to pre-order and then claim your gifts here!

Again, THANK YOU.

Without you readers, there’s no gig for me here. I’m so, so, so grateful for you!

Lots of love,

Dr. Christine Carter Signature

 

 

About The New Adolescence

I wrote this book because, like many parents, I was baffled by problems that didn’t exist when I was a teenager (like social media, sexting, and vaping). It’s a practical guide to:

  • Providing the support and structure teens need (while still giving them the autonomy they seek)
  • Influencing and motivating teenagers
  • Helping kids overcome distractions that hinder learning
  • Protecting them from anxiety, isolation, and depression
  • Having effective conversations about tough subjects–including sex, drugs, and money
A highly acclaimed sociologist and senior fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, Dr. Christine Carter melds research–including the latest findings in neuroscience, sociology, and social psychology–with her own real-world experiences as the mother of four teenagers.

The New Adolescence is filled with road-tested, science-based solutions for raising happy, healthy, and successful teenagers in this age of distraction, anxiety, and accelerated change.

What Do Other People Have To Say?

“Mixing cutting-edge science with humor and personally earned wisdom, Christine Carter makes a convincing case that we need to step up our parenting with our teens. Fortunately, she also tells us how to do so in The New Adolescence in ways that seem not just possible in our busy lives, but deeply practical and empowering for both parents and adolescents.”

Daniel J. Siegel, MD
Bestselling author of Brainstorm

 

“The New Adolescence is a sane, informative, and helpful book that I will be gifting over and over. It has already made me a better parent—and a happier one, too.”

Jessica Lahey
New York Times bestselling author of The Gift of Failure

 

“Dr. Carter brings her wonderful blend of solid science, practical suggestions, and warm encouragement to the biggest challenge most parents face: raising teenagers these days. The New Adolescence is both deep and accessible, comprehensive and fast-paced, and honoring of adolescents and respectful of parents’ needs for reasonable authority.”

Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
Author of Resilient, Hardwiring Happiness, and Buddha’s Brain

 

“Christine Carter has spent the last two decades honing the art and studying the science of effective parenting. This hands-on book is the guide every parent of teenagers needs.”

Susan Stiffelman, MFT
Author of Parenting Without Power Struggles

 

“With solid research, relatable storytelling and practical strategies and tactics, Christine Carter provides teens, parents and families with the lifelines they need to create meaning, fulfillment and the human connection that makes real life worth living.”

Brigid Schulte
Author of Overwhelmed and director of The Better Life Lab at New America

by admin

Three Ways to Change Your Parenting in the Teenage Years

“Wow. Ugh. That’s amazing!”

This is the usual wide-eyed response when people hear that I have four teenagers. Sometimes people grimace, like the mere thought of it is a bitter pill. They are thinking, I know, that teenagers are hard, which, of course, they can be. Everyone assumes I must be insanely busy, or maybe just a little insane, and that raising four teenagers must be nearly impossible.

These thoughts occur because many teenagers tend to be either terribly disorganized, requiring constant nagging, or tightly wound, perfectionistic, and in need of constant therapy. There’s also all that new neuroscience showing, unfortunately, that the brain regions that help humans make wise choices don’t mature until kids are in their mid 20s, and that many potentially life-threatening risks become more appealing during adolescence while the normal fear of danger is temporarily suppressed. Knowing these things can make it hard for us parents to relax.

Though teenagers can be hard to parent, the good news is that parenting teenagers is in many ways a hell of a lot easier than raising little kids. For this to be the case, however, our parenting needs to shift. Here are the three big shifts that parents of teenagers need to make to survive their kids’ adolescence.

1. We step down as primary decision-makers and step up our coaching

When our kids are little, we have to manage pretty much every aspect of their lives. We set bedtimes, plan meals, and make doctor’s appointments. We arrange carpools and make all major decisions: where they will go to school, if they will go to camp, and where we’ll go on vacation. And when our kids are little, for the most part, they appreciate having involved and loving parents. It’s great having someone else manage your calendar and get you to your activities (mostly) on time.

But once kids reach adolescence, they need to start managing their own lives, and they do tend to fire us as their managers. Parents who are too controlling—those who won’t step down from their manager roles—breed rebellion. Many kids with micromanaging parents will politely agree to the harsh limits their parents set with a “yes, sir” or a “yes, ma’am” attitude, but then will break those rules the first chance they get. They don’t do this because they are bad kids, but because they need to regain a sense of control over their own lives.

The answer, according to neuropsychologist William Stixrud and long-time educator Ned Johnson, authors of The Self-Driven Child, is to hand the decision-making reins over to our teens. You read that right: By adolescence, we parents need to (take a deep breath and) let them make their own decisions about their lives. It’s not that we never say no anymore. Nor do we stop enforcing our family rules. It’s that we start to involve teens more in creating the rules, and we let them make their own decisions—which they are going to do anyway.

Letting our kids become the primary decision makers does NOT mean that we become permissive, indulgent, or disengaged. It does mean that the quality—if not the quantity—of our support shifts. We give up our role as their chief of staff and become more like life coaches. We ask questions, and provide emotional support.

2. We influence them differently

It’d be great if we parents could just download information to our teens—say, about sex and drugs—and know that they were going to use that information to make good decisions.

But giving teenagers a lot of information isn’t an effective way to influence them anymore. Interesting research on this topic shows that what is effective for elementary school children—giving them information about their health or well-being that they can act on—tends to be mostly ineffective for teenagers.

This is because adolescents are much more sensitive to whether or not they are being treated with respect. The hormonal changes that come with puberty conspire with adolescent social dynamics to make teenagers much more attuned to social status. More specifically, they become super touchy about whether or not they are being treated as though they are high status.

In the teenage brain, the part of themselves that is an autonomous young adult is high status. The part of them that is still a kid who needs our support is low status. They might be half independent young adult, half little kid, but they are hugely motivated to become 100 percent autonomous…even if they do know, on some level, that they still need our support and guidance.

When we give our adolescents a lot of information, especially when it is information that they don’t really want or that they think they already have, it can feel infantilizing to them. Even if we deliver the information as we would to another adult, teenagers will often feel disrespected by the mere fact of our instruction.

So, when it’s time to bring up the topic you want to influence your teen about, speak as you would to someone with the highest possible social status—someone you really, really respect. (I have to literally imagine that person in my head, and then imagine both the tone and the words I would use with that person.) Remember, if your teen feels disrespected, nagged, spoken down to, pressed upon, or infantilized, all bets are off.

3. We have a lot of hard conversations

Remember what you used to talk about with your kids before they hit puberty? There are days when I’d give anything to just be able to talk again about favorite foods and favorite colors and the tooth fairy. It isn’t that every conversation was easy when they were young, but I rarely felt the kind of discomfort I now feel while talking to my kids about things like sex—or even their college applications. What starts as a casual conversation can quickly become an emotional minefield. It’s hard not to let our own agendas creep in. And it can be really hard to manage our own big feelings about things.

Talking with teenagers about their lives can be stressful. But teenagers today are dealing with some really hard stuff, and we parents need to create safe spaces for our teens to talk about the hard things.

This takes a lot of courage. The simplest way to increase our ability (and, frankly, willingness) to have uncomfortable conversations with our teens is to practice doing it in baby steps. Instead of thinking about having a “big talk,” broach a difficult topic in short observations and simple questions. Let teens lead; our real value comes when we listen rather than instruct. Even when we have a lot to say, it’s more important to give them a chance to speak, to work out what they are thinking in a low-risk environment. Practice staying calm despite the discomfort. Keep taking deep breaths. Keep relaxing your shoulders. Notice your discomfort, and welcome it. It’s nothing to be afraid of.

As hard as it might be for us to watch, our teenagers are going to make mistakes. When they do, our anxious over-involvement won’t help. What will help, though, is our calm presence. This is more good news, because it is far more enjoyable to practice calm presence than it is to freak out.

Above all, we’ll do well to remember that their lives are their lives. It’s their journey, not ours. Our role is not to steer them through life like we would marionettes, but rather to help them feel seen, and to help them feel safe. For that, we need only to coach instead of manage, listen instead of instruct, and breathe through our discomfort.

 

This essay is adapted from The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction (BenBella Books, 2020, 230 pages).

If you’re in the Bay Area, we hope you’ll join us for the launch at the Hillside Club on February 20, 2020! Find more information about my book events here.

by admin

Dear Christine: How Do I Motivate My Teen?

Bossing them around won’t work forever; we need to help teens manage their own lives.

Dear Christine,

I have two teenagers, a boy who is in high school and a girl who is in college. My daughter has always been self-motivated and a great student. I’ve never needed to nag her to do her homework, and she has always gotten good grades and great teacher comments.

My son is another story. His study skills are lacking. He doesn’t like school, and he doesn’t work very hard. I have to constantly be “on him” about his school work. We’ve had him tested for learning disabilities and ADHD, and he does not have either, although the tests showed that he does have great difficulty paying attention to things that he is not interested in.

He’s now a sophomore. Still, I’m constantly “helping” him with his homework, figuring out what work he has due, what tests he has coming up, or what assignments he might have failed to turn in. I’m afraid he won’t do it otherwise.

Our son says he does not want me to back off and that he wants me to continue helping him. At the same time, he is not exactly welcoming of my help in the moment. He’s often a little surly when I remind him of assignments, and he usually makes excuses for why he doesn’t have to work on something. He lacks self-motivation, and without me pushing him (and keeping him organized), I fear (1) that he might actually get worse grades; (2) that he won’t get a college degree; and (3) that this will limit his job prospects. Ultimately, I’m afraid that he’s going to end up living at home into his early adulthood, stuck on the couch playing video games.

I can’t help wishing that our son was more like our daughter. I want him to be more independent and self-motivated. Above all, I want him to do well enough in high school to go to a decent college. What do you recommend I do? If I’m honest, I’m looking for permission to keep propping our son up.

Thanks,
Parental Crutch

Dear Crutch,

So, it’s good that you have college and work aspirations for your son. But I’m afraid that your current efforts on his behalf aren’t going to pay off. Unfortunately, trying to control our children is frequently futile and usually counterproductive. In some ways, you are right to be worried: About a quarter of young men in the United States in their 20s are unemployed. That statistic is mind-blowing to the economists who track these things, given that men in their 20s have historically been the most reliably employed of any demographic. While the trend toward unemployment encompasses young men of all education levels, low-skilled men—like those without a college degree or training in a trade—are particularly likely to end up living back at home. A staggering 51 percent now live with their parents or another close relative. And what are they doing instead of working? (Hint: They aren’t going to school.) You’ve already guessed it; many of them are playing video games three or more hours a day.

That’s the clear conclusion psychologist Wendy Grolnick has reached over two decades of watching parents talk to their children. Here’s the gist of her research: The children of controlling parents—those who tell their children exactly what to do, and when to do it—don’t do as well as kids whose parents are involved and supportive without being bossy. Children of “directive” parents tend to be less creative and resourceful, less persistent when faced with a challenge, less successful at solving problems. They don’t like school as much, and they don’t achieve as much academically.

And what’s true for children in terms of parental control is about a thousand times more true about teenagers. Once kids reach adolescence, they need to start managing their own lives, and they know this. Most kids with micromanaging parents resist what their parents want for them every chance they get. They do this not because they are lazy or short-sighted, but because they need to regain a sense of control.

This cannot be overstated: Healthy, self-disciplined, motivated teenagers have a strong sense of control over their lives. A mountain of research demonstrates that agency—having the power to affect your own life—is one of the most important factors for both success and happiness. Believing that we can influence our own lives through our own efforts predicts practically all of the positive outcomes that we want for our teens: better health and longevity, lower use of drugs and alcohol, lower stress, higher emotional well-being, greater intrinsic motivation and self-discipline, improved academic performance, and even career success.

You have an important choice, Crutch.

Choice A: Keep riding your son; keep him organized and on track. He’ll likely get a lot more homework turned in, he’ll study for tests he would have avoided or forgotten about, and he’ll apply to the colleges you put in front of him. The big question in my mind, though, is about what will happen when he’s off at college and he doesn’t have you there by his side to keep him on track.

Actually, in my mind, it’s not that big of a question.

The odds are he won’t make it. An astounding 56 percent of students who start at a four-year college drop out before they’ve earned a degree. Nearly a third drop out after just the first year. If your son doesn’t develop the study skills he needs to succeed (without you), he is not likely to develop them once he gets to college.

Which brings us to Choice B: Back off so that your son can build the skills he’ll need to survive without you. This does mean risking letting your son stumble, but at least he’ll be at home with you when he does.

Your son, of course, will not want you to back off. Why would he want to put in that kind of effort if you’ll do it for him? Plus, there is no risk for him right now; he can’t really fail if he doesn’t really try.

I’m not saying disengage from his life. It’s important for you to stay involved and supportive, but to do so without being directive or controlling. Set limits so that he knows you aren’t lowering your expectations. For example, if you expect him to maintain a B average, that’s great. What happens if he doesn’t do that? Decide as a family, and then be firm and consistent in enforcing your limits.

In fact, don’t dial back your effort at all, just shift your focus. Right now, you are propping your son up. Instead of putting all your energy into doing things that your son would be better off doing for himself, put your effort into supporting his self-motivation.

As I explained not long ago to another mom who was overhelping her husband, the way to foster self-motivation in others is to support their autonomy, their competence, and their relatedness. These are the three core psychological needs that, when filled, lead to self-motivation. You can choose to refocus your attention on promoting his self-motivation. Here’s how.

1. Give him more freedom.

He needs the freedom to fail on his own—and the freedom to succeed without having to give you credit. Your son can’t feel autonomous in his schoolwork if you are still the organizing force.

Instead of directing your son, ask him: “What’s your plan?” As in, “What’s your plan for getting your homework done this weekend?” Asking kids what their plan is makes it clear that they are still in control of their own behavior, and it helps put them in touch with their own motivations and intentions. Often kids simply need to make a plan—and sometimes if they aren’t asked to articulate their plan, they won’t make one. (Especially kids who are used to being nagged; those kids know that their parents will eventually get frustrated and do their planning for them.)

This not-making-a-plan thing is developmental, by the way—it is often more about their executive function than their motivation. Our frontal lobe, which enables us to make plans for the future, often doesn’t develop fully until our mid-20s. This doesn’t mean that teenagers can’t plan, or that we should do it for them; it just means that they need a little more support practicing planning than might be obvious given their other capabilities.

It’s also really important that we parents pay close attention to our tone of voice, especially if what we are saying could potentially limit our kids’ freedom in some way—if we are making a request that could be interpreted as pressure. Research suggests that moms who talk to their teens in a “controlling tone of voice” don’t tend to get a positive response, and they are more likely to start an argument.

It’s not enough to just stay neutral, unfortunately; although a neutral tone of voice is less likely to make teens defensive and argumentative, it was found to be equally ineffective in motivating kids.

What did work? The teens who were the most likely to carry out the request being made had parents who used a “supportive” and encouraging tone of voice.

2. Help him feel more competent.

If I were a betting woman, I’d bet that your son feels incompetent compared to his superstar sister. This likely leads to resignation. Why should he try if he’ll never be as good as her, anyway?

Help him see where he’s done really well in the past through his own effort (rather than your nagging). Don’t be afraid to ask him: Where do you feel most confident? And then help him see that it is his own effort that has led to that capability.

You can also support him in building new competencies. It sounds like he needs to build better study skills, for example. Who would be a good study skills coach for him? It’s important for him to develop his ability to learn and push himself outside of his comfort zone.

3. Finally, support his sense of belonging and connectedness with others, particularly at school.

Is there a teacher whom he feels connected to who can encourage him? Or a coach who is also willing to talk to him about his life as a student? Or a peer group who would encourage him to pay more attention to school work? Sometimes the best way we can help our kids is to help them find a community where they can thrive. One way to do this is to enlist the interest and attention of another adult.

Crutch, I’m very clear about this: The time to take the training wheels off is now. When he falls, let him pick himself up and try again. This will build autonomy and competence. You can celebrate his successes—this will build relatedness. Let him learn how to ask for the help he needs; when he gets it, it will expand his sense of belonging and connection to others.

Redirecting your energy towards promoting your son’s self-motivation will not likely be in your comfort zone. But once you get the hang of not nagging and not being so directive, your relationship with your son is sure to be far more rewarding—for you both.

Yours,
Christine

MORE ON RAISING HAPPY TEENS


If you like this post, I think you’ll love my new book, The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction.

If you’re in the Bay Area, we hope you’ll join us for the launch at the Hillside Club on February 20, 20! Find more information about my book events here.

 

In Dear Christine, sociologist and coach Christine Carter responds to your questions about marriage, parenting, happiness, work, family, and, well, life. Want to submit a question? Email advice@christinecarter.flywheelsites.com.