What’s stopping you from achieving your goals? The answer is surprising! (Need tips for being conquering your fear? Check out this week’s blog post on courage.
Our culture sends us mixed messages about being “busy”, but there is a way to use our minds and physiology to help us find a place of ease. More from Mind Body Spirit Living.
Photo by Ashton Pal
Last week, I lead a workshop for 20 top female executives from around the world — it was a great pleasure, and a great honor. We worked on the issues that are holding them back at work, as well as the things that are keeping them from enjoying the lives they’ve worked so hard to create. Not surprisingly, there are many structural and cultural aspects of their workplaces (male domination, for example) thwarting their careers and their lives.
Here’s the thing: These brilliant executives didn’t really need strategies for changing their workplaces. They needed strategies for cultivating courage, given the difficulty of the work ahead of them.
Isn’t that what we all need? Courage to live lives where we can fulfill our greatest potential at work and at home? Where we can fulfill our potential for joy?
Here is my question for you: What are you afraid of? Where is your fear holding you back? If we are to live and work from our sweet spot — that place of great strength, but also great ease — we need courage. Courage to be authentic, to take risks, to be different.
Here are my three favorite tactics for building bravery.
1. Manipulate your thoughts. Our thoughts profoundly influence what we feel and what we do. When we think about times when we’ve done poorly at something, we are likely to feel insecure and weak, upping the odds that we’ll actually do something insecure and weak.
That said, trying to control what we don’t think about doesn’t work. (Consider the old experiment where researchers tell their subjects not to think of a white bear: Most people immediately start thinking about a white bear.) In other words, it doesn’t work to say to yourself, “I have to stop being afraid.”
Instead, take a two-pronged approach to thinking brave thoughts. First, pay attention. If you notice yourself having a thought that undermines your attempts at bravery, simply label it as such: “Oh, there’s a fearful thought.” For example, say you are trying to get yourself to ask a question at a conference, but you are too afraid to raise your hand, and you notice yourself imaging that the presenter thinks you are dumb. Say to yourself, That is a thought that will make me feel afraid to ask my question, and take a deep breath. Noticing your not-brave thoughts can give you the distance you need to not act according to that thought and the feeling it produces.
Second, actively fill your mind with courageous thoughts. Consider times when you’ve been brave before. Focus on how people just like you have done what you are mustering the courage to do. Think about how the last time you did it, it wasn’t that hard. Think about how you’ll regret it if you don’t do it. Think about how the worst-case scenario is something you can deal with. Remind yourself of your long-term goals.
2. Consider that your fear isn’t legitimate. Sometimes fear is more about excitement and thrill and passion than it is a warning that you are about to do something dangerous. As Maria Shriver writes in And One More Thing Before You Go, often “anxiety is a glimpse of your own daring… part of your agitation is just excitement about what you’re getting ready to accomplish. Whatever you’re afraid of — that is the very thing you should try to do.”
I love Harvard-trained sociologist and life-coach Martha Beck’s advice about how to know whether or not your fear is holding you back. Legitimate fear, she says, tends to make us want to get the heck out of whatever situation we are in. I once lived in a really nice neighborhood, but I had a really scary neighbor. Every time he’d stop to chat with me, friendly and normal-seeming as he was, the hair on my neck would stand up, and my heart would start racing and thudding in my chest. It was all I could to do not run and hide from him. It turns out that my fear was legitimate: After I moved, I found out that he was fresh out of a maximum security prison for violent sex crimes.
Not-helpful fear, on the other hand, makes us hesitate rather than bolt. We are afraid of looking stupid, and so we don’t ask a burning question. We fear failing, and so we don’t even try. Years ago, I was terribly afraid to make a desperately desired career change. I wasn’t happy, but my current job brought me a lot of security. What if I couldn’t make it in my new field? I waffled — hesitated — for more than a year before making the leap into a new profession. My fear was unfounded. I was immediately far happier and just as successful as I had been in my old job. I wished I’d had the courage to make the change sooner.
The key is knowing the difference between legitimate and not-helpful fear. Do you have the desire to get the heck out of whatever situation is making you fearful? If so, your fear is likely legitimate. Run like the wind, my friend.
But if your fear is making you hesitate, consider that your fear is unfounded. Take a deep breath, and make the leap.
3. Make specific plans for the obstacles that you might face. This is an important technique not just for being more courageous, but also for being more successful in your endeavors.
Ask yourself: What obstacles are you likely to encounter? People who plan for how they’re going to react to different obstacles tend to be able to meet their goals more successfully; in other words, scary challenges don’t stop them, especially when they formulate “If X, then Y” plans for each potential difficulty. For example, say you’d like to stop working weekends but are afraid that your team will start to question your dedication. Here is what an “If X, Then Y” plan might look like:
“IF my team grumbles or pushes-back because I’m not working on the weekends anymore,
THEN I will forward them Leslie Perlow’s Harvard Business Review article about how ‘Predictable Time Off’ improves both work quality AND quality of life, even in client-oriented businesses.”
It is important to remember that the hard things we have to do or say are actually rarely what make us uncomfortable. It is the fear we feel that makes us uneasy. Fear is the thing that in truth makes actions hard, not the action that we think we are afraid of. Not doing something because we are afraid is actually not the easy way out in the long run. Though it might seem counterintuitive, it is finding the courage to try, or push ahead, or speak up, or make a change that will help us live and work from our sweet spot.
Ironically, when we do the hard thing, ultimately we find more ease.
What is your favorite way to cultivate courage? Inspire others in the comments here.
(Want more tips for being brave? Check out Chapter 9 of The Sweet Spot.)
“When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears.” Anthony Robbins
by Celia Shatzman for Women’s Health
Making eye contact and grinning at a stranger can brighten both of your days. “Research shows it cheers people up,” says Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work and a senior fellow at the University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. “One theory about why is we’re clannish, tribal people. Our nervous system feels safer in groups. So the more connected we feel to people around us, the safer and more relaxed we feel, and that opens up the possibility we’ll be happy.” Plus, grinning activates the smile muscles, which can also put you in a better mood.
Kids today are more stressed and exhausted than they’ve ever been — and the pressures on them to achieve are only mounting.
What can we do now, in their middle and high school years, that will set them up to excel in college while also helping them lead balanced and fulfilling lives as adults?
Join me and Katherine Dinh, Head of Prospect Sierra School, in an intimate conversation about this topic at the Berkeley City Club on May 16 at 8:00pm
This event is a fundraiser for the tuition assistance program at Prospect Sierra School.
by Joy Sawyer-Mulligan
Shared in my monthly newsletter this week, this beautiful essay is my top pick for Mother’s Day reading this weekend.
I’d been warned.
“Someday, you know, she’s going to tell you you’re not her mother.”
The counselor looked at me, hard; I looked right back, not wanting to believe she was right, but knowing she was. “OK. I can handle that. I mean, in one way, I’m not. It’s just a kind of truth, right?”
But it wasn’t a truth I had any experience with. My female kinfolk claimed the robust end of the fertility spectrum. My mother was pregnant ten times. My older sister could launch a pregnancy simply by clicking her heels and spinning three times. Magic.
Not I. A flamboyantly ruptured appendix followed by a dose of Clomid that blew up one ovary to the size of a Florida grapefruit had left me with a bunch of tangled innards, a cat’s cradle of scar tissue. Eventually, a straight-talking ob-gyn doctor calculated our chances of joining egg to sperm at 14%. That’s a number sort of like your SAT scores: it sticks with you, especially if it’s way below the median.
But outside the doctor’s high-rise office, in the bright SoCal sunshine, my optimistic, glass-half-full husband said, “It’s okay. We’ll adopt.” I took the sun’s glinting off steel and windows in precisely that moment as a sign. Yes. Yes, we’ll make our family that way.
And now, five years as wife-husband-and-beautiful-child, a therapist was laying it out baldly: I had become a mother, but not 100% — at least not to my daughter. As a concept, our daughter’s biological mother Susan was present in our lives. But it’s a law of physics, the Pauli Exclusion Principle: two objects cannot occupy the same space simultaneously. If it is true with matter, I could accept that it might be true with a little heart — room for only one of us mothers in that thar town. Yet after all my practice bracing myself for her saying it, after my rehearsals of a rational yet empathetic response, the ringing “You’re not my mother!” hurt. The right words came calmly out of my mouth — ”I am your mother, and so is Susan” — even as the arrow found home. Read the full essay…
Joy Sawyer-Mulligan has been an educator for over 30 years. After earning her undergraduate degree at Colby College and graduate degree at Middlebury College, Joy taught at St. Paul’s School (New Hampshire) and at Choate-Rosemary Hall (Connecticut) before moving to The Thacher School in Ojai, California in its second year of co-education. She has worn many hats at the Thacher School, currently the English Department Chair, teaching 9th and 12th grade English and advising sophomore girls. For Joy, recreation is a hyphenated word, and means writing, reading, hiking, and singing.
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.” –Eckhart Tolle